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Rules baby mamas must never break

Lady Speak - By Tony Mochama

The brouhaha over one Jacob Juma’s murder is cooling down, as such assassinations in this country often do, and the volume over a woman called Cheryl is rising. ‘Men Only’, has realised there is one aspect of this African’s love life we overlooked – his many ‘baby mamas.’

Jacob Juma had one wife with whom he had two children. Then there were three ‘baby mommas’ with whom he had four kids, all of whom were given respect and recognition at his funeral (and I daresay that is the way it should be, all the way to The Will, instead of strange women, offspring in tow, showing up wailing to cause chaos on the day ‘Baby Daddy’ gets buried).

So here are a few rules for the many ‘baby mamas’ out there:

First of all, you are not the man’s wife, so do not act as if you are.

Wives have rights like demanding exclusivity from the gentleman in every area of his life. Baby Mamas should realise that even though the child may be their own top priority, s/he may not occupy that high place in the gentleman’s mental hierarchy. Acting like a wench will only alienate the man farther – not just from you but even as a father.

Then there are those baby mommas who divert funds meant for the kid’s welfare from the dad into their own pet projects or creature comforts. You ask him for a year’s fees to take your illegitimate offspring to an academy and instead take him to a ‘kanjo’ school and buy brand new furniture for your house.

You mention Cerelac money and he sends it to you but you feed her on uji and instead use the cereal money on ‘weave ya uzi.’

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And talking of academies, if the man is married with his own legitimate children, don’t imagine that he will feel obligated to treat them ‘equally.’ Back to point one, you are a baby mama, not a co-wife. So if you see pictures on social media of him, his wife and their children in Zanzibar for Madaraka Day, don’t start sending texts and insults about what a hard-hearted unfair animal he is (never mind its veracity).

Speaking of which, speaking ill about the father of your children to your joint children is a curse (unless you are a bishop like Wanjiru and can counter the curse of a kaka Kamangu).

Then there are those baby mamas who are only too quick to write off the first dad when they re-marry, telling the child that ‘your old daddy died. Danny here is your new daddy.’

Do not dial the man up at midnight, when he is in bed with his legitimate wife, to tell him his boy has tonsils and he needs to be there first thing in the morning to take him to hospital. If you stay civilised, the man may come round to running around for the boy, all by his blessed self.

And for goodness’ sake don’t do what I heard this baby mama did the other day. She stays in a one bedroom house and shares her bed with her beloved 8-year-old daughter. But often lets her boyfriend, who isn’t the girl’s dad, cuddle up in bed with them as she wants them to bond. That’s not the done thing!

Lastly, if you go for parents’ day, don’t carry other partners along for the occasion. It not only confuses the child/ren but can turn ugly, like the pitched battle one activist conducted in his daughter’s school against her mother and her lover - the headmaster. That, my dear, just entertains nosy wananchi.

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Baby Mamas Advice Rules

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