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I want a man I can be comfortable with

 I want a man I can be comfortable with (Photo: iStock)

Hi Chris,

I have had some bad dating experiences. One man was not nearly as close to me as I like, so I got anxious and clingy.

Another was hot and cold. One minute loving, the next talking about breaking up. How can I find a man who is more comfortable to be with?


Chris says,

Hi Clingy!

Some people are naturally secure in their relationships. They are warm, loving, good at communicating their feelings, and always feel close. They do not worry about being alone and are good at balancing their need for both intimacy and independence.

But you sound as if you tend to be anxious about your partners, and are very sensitive to their moods.

You need to feel close and can become clingy if you notice that he does not want to be as close to you as you would like. If your date is anxious as well, he might also start revealing worries that you won't stick around.

Some people avoid anything that reduces their independence. They tend to hide their feelings, prefer not to depend on others and worry they will be hurt by every partner.

They often send mixed signals. One minute talking about moving in, the next acting like you do not have a future together.

So what should you do? Because you tend to feel anxious, try hanging out with several people at the same time, to begin with so you do not feel so vulnerable. And watch for how each of your dates sees relationships.

Because your anxiety levels will diminish once you are with someone who is always supportive. You will gradually become as secure as them. While if you are with someone who is also anxious, or who demands too much independence, you are likely to make each other worse.

Dating someone secure might sound a little boring, but actually, it is wonderful. Because it means you will have a much better relationship. You will both gradually become more committed, more supportive, and more physically and emotionally intimate. And it is amazing how good that can feel.

All the best,


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