When a mother wounds: Reclaiming your identity

In quiet corners of the internet and in low, thoughtful conversations over coffee, more and more adults are opening up about mothers who brought them pain instead of comfort.

These stories are often raw and deeply personal, but together they paint a picture of trauma, survival and for some, the first steps towards healing. For many people, reading someone else’s experience feels like reaching for a hand in the dark and actually finding one.

These shared accounts do more than offer emotional release. They create a sense of community and help sons and daughters realise that their own struggles are neither isolated nor imagined. Within these conversations is a gentle kind of strength, the chance to reclaim who they are, to understand the difference between love and harm, and to begin reshaping their lives with clarity.

Still, the relief that comes from speaking openly does not erase a difficult truth. When a mother is emotionally neglectful, manipulative or abusive, the impact can last well into adulthood.

Research consistently links childhood trauma with a higher risk of mental health problems later in life. One major long-term study found that adults who lived through trauma as children were far more likely to experience mental health disorders, even many years after the original harm took place.

But why do some mothers behave this way? Some experts believe the roots lie in the mother’s own unresolved trauma. Therapist and author Susan Forward writes in her book Mothers Who Can’t Love that unhealed wounds, grief or emotional turmoil can quietly shape a mother’s behaviour, often without her realising it.

Counselling psychologist Nassim Nkatha offers another perspective. She notes that some people unconsciously project their own unresolved pain onto their children, repeating patterns they never had the chance to break.

According to her, healing starts with recognising the trauma, learning to set healthy boundaries and choosing forgiveness, not to excuse past harm, but to free oneself from it.

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Healing rarely follows a straight path. Yet for many survivors, simply naming what happened and discussing it with others who understand can be transformative.

With time, people begin to reclaim their stories, rebuild their confidence and create a future that is grounded in resilience rather than fear.

If you or someone you know has lived through childhood trauma, remember this: speaking out matters. Sharing stories breaks long-held silences, builds solidarity, and, for many, becomes the first sign that a different life is possible.