Sexual Healing: Five reasons he won't be in the mood tonight

One of the most common complaints in relationships is on the sex front: people either feel as if they’re not having enough sex or they feel as if their sexual needs or those of their partner are not being met, and they don’t know what to do about it. Today, we’re going to look a few reasons why your male partner is too often not in the mood for sex.

1. Fatigue

Believe it not – and contrary to popular belief – men do get to a point where they feel too exhausted to want to have sex with you. In such situations, it’s nothing personal. Everyone gets tired – too tired to eat, too tired to sleep and yes, too tired to have sex.

The solution here is for him to rest, whether that means napping, getting a full night’s rest or just relaxing for an hour or two while doing something non-strenuous. It sounds obvious but it is also important for you, his partner, to be aware of when you may be initiating sex and whether that has an impact on his performance.

If you initiate sex as soon as he gets home from a long day, he may rebuff you because he may be well aware that neither his mind nor his body will be capable of performing to both your satisfaction.

2. Stress

A close relative of fatigue is stress. You could even think of stress as fatigue of the heart, mind, body and soul. For better or for worse, the male sexual biological function is easily affected by stress so the higher his stress levels, the poorer his sexual performance is likely to be.

If you are the stressed-out man, it is imperative that you identify your stressors and then attend to them. Do you need better boundaries? Are you doing too much at work or at home? Are you drinking, smoking, drugging or coping in other maladaptive ways? Are you overweight and struggling to perform? Does your self-esteem feel less that secure?

Whatever the case might be, it is imperative that you address the source of your stress; get help if you must. Aside from your sexual satisfaction, your sexual and general health is at stake so take this seriously!

3. Fear

This reason is especially common with men who may feeling less than confident in their sexual performance. Perhaps he is struggling to attain an erection or sustain one. What tends to happen is that these events as a failure of some sort – him as a man, his body or even his image in eyes of his partner.

An unfortunate side effect of these feelings is that they birth insecurity, which can make a man feel so vulnerable that he is unable or unwilling to re-experience that kind of vulnerability over and over again. To these men I say, you don’t have to live in fear of what your body will or will not do.

If you are genuinely concerned, please visit your family doctor and be honest with them about what is going on. They may offer you treatment, send you for tests or refer you to a specialist e.g. a urologist or sex therapist. The thing to know is that the world is full of solutions and interventions so avail yourself to those options.

Furthermore, resist the temptation to totalise one experience as the totality of all your experiences. In other words, lean into the things and thoughts that build you up and give you courage to reach for your sexual joy and satisfaction.

4. Partner challenges

Your man could be not in the mood for sex because there are existing issues between you. Those issues can range from unresolved conflict, external interferences from family or friends, sexual performance of one or both of you e.g. if one partner feels like the other does not enjoy sex, sex hurts because of infection or chronic illness, or that “they just lay there doing nothing” i.e. disengagement during sex. Even obvious issues such as poor hygiene can interfere with your man’s sexual desire.

5. Infidelity

Yes, your man be not be in the mood for sex because he is getting his sexual needs met elsewhere. This can be hard to know about because affairs are typically kept secret and hidden.

It may also be that you are well aware that he is not being faithful to you in your relationship. This is not the time to be paranoid, but it is important to bring concerns about this into the light.

There may be other significant decisions for both of you to make in relation to your sex life and actual relationship; face your reality and make those decisions. You deserve a sex life that lives and walks in the light of truth.

I hope this list helps you begin to assess your own and/or your man’s lack of desire for sex in a constructive way that is likely to lead to the sex life you both want and deserve.