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Between the sheets: 10 things that instantly kill the mood

Between The Sheets By Lutfiya Wanjiru

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Let’s be honest we all have stories that tell the sheer trauma of a sexual experience. Even your mama kanisa has a story, it happens to all of us. Sometimes things don’t turn out right, Television has ruined intimacy for normal people as rarely do shows demonstrate the awkward side of being intimate. Here are a few situations that just kill the mood, faster than you can say ‘awkward’:

1. The phone ringing

Having the phone ring when you and your partner are at it is one thing and answering it is another! Are you kidding me? Why in all that is holy are you answering your phone? And then he has the nerve to try and continue from where he left off. Guess what Sir? That train has left the station. Matter of fact, throw his phone out the window, let him go and collect it where the guard sits.

2. It’s cold

You know how people say that the cold or chilly weather is BMW (Baby Making Weather)? Well, sometimes it’s no. Mr Sir could be doing everything right but you are not heating up. You are as cold as a divorcee’s heart at the Ex’s wedding. But because you don’t wanna hurt Mr Sir’s heart, you stay put but your thoughts have already drifted to how some warm cocoa and those fluffy socks in your drawer would be amazing right about now.

3. Weird music selection

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The internet is filled with playlists meant to start up the mood and maintain it. The problem comes in when the playlist selected is just an odd genre and its more of funny than sexy. Just watch as you and Mr Sir are in the middle of outshinning Bolt’s sprint record, the speaker goes off “Wambalmbez” and Mr Sir responds “Wamnyonyez”. Dasss it. Game over. Chapter closed. Credits roll. There is no way to recover from that. What happened to playing some Boyz 2 Men?

4. Akward dirty talk

The art of dirty talk is a skill only a few have. If you know you can’t do it, just shut it. Don’t bother trying. The worst is when you Google stuff to say. Why? Dirty talk should come seamlessly during the ‘act’. It’s meant to increase the intensity of the experience. But when your dirty talk is in the same category as Trump’s tweets, it honestly feels like having ice water thrown on you. Quite sobering and puff there goes the fire. It’s your fault, if you had kept quiet, a happy ending was in the horizons, now turn on the Tv and watch some boring sitcom. That’s your punishment.

5.When he calls you a different name

Well this is awkward. My name is Melanie, who is Christine? So you mean to say as we have been busy here you have all this while been thinking of another girl? Nice, nice job Mr Sir. Well since my services aren’t required, I’ll just leave so you call in Christine. “It just slipped!” Well, watch me slip this frying pan across your forehead and if the paramedics ask what happened, “you fell down the stairs.”

6. The guard knocks asking you to keep it down

There’s nothing as embarrassing as the guard coming all the way up to your apartment door to ask you two to keep it down “Munasumbua ploti mzima”. ‘Were we that loud really?’ ‘If the guard heard us, that means Mama Brayo from next door heard us as well. She is a Bishop’ Lord how will you face the embarrassment when you meet at the stairs in the morning? The ‘God protect you’ prayer will have a different meaning now. There goes the mood, might as well strategize how you will evade their judgement bearing eyes for the rest of your life.

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7. Someone gets an injury

Enthusiasm during coitus is highly encouraged. But when you have the speed and build of a mini cooper but you want to show mama you are an offroad SUV, you may end up giving yourself a hernia or dislocating a bone. Nothing says ‘that’s it’ like having to stuff  your body into the back of an uber and taking you to the emergency room. “So Mr Sir, how did you dislocate 5 disks in your back?” You turn to your mama who is avoiding eye contact “Uhm daktari, me and mama were ...uhm..doing.. the jungle dance.”  “Jungle dance, what is that?”  “Well..its ..you know..when sexual partners decide to..”  “Oh right.*chuckle* I get it.” *Insert embarrassment here*

8. Experiments fail

You read an article that has ideas on how to spice up the bedroom. Whip cream and champagne is involved. Nothing could go wrong right? WRONG! It all sounds hot and intense until whip cream lands in your eye, the champagne has travelled to places it should never venture. Chocolate is great to eat, but when found on certain body parts it’s just a disaster. Now you have a sticky bed and an impending yeast infection.

9. A tummy ache

More often than not, the mood is killed by an upset stomach. You decided to take Mama to that new restaurant. This new place has great reviews, it’s the place to go and you want Mama to feel special. The food was great and you are feeling lucky, the night is just about to start. That’s until you reach the house and your stomach is doing summersaults. The sounds resonating from both of you is that of a nduthi trying to go up a hill. Not sexy at all. By the time you and mama exit your respective washrooms, being touchy isn’t even on the plate. All you’re focused now it trying not to die. Who will help who? Kila mtu apambane na hali yake maybe.

10. Junior happens

Baby boy decides he wants to cuddle with his mummy tonight. Sleeping alone in his crib isn’t an option. Mama is not mad, she loves cuddling her little man but you wanted to enjoy all her feminine prowess by yourself. How do you convince a two-year old that mummy and daddy need some lone time and maybe make him a sibling? You can’t bribe a two-year old, or can you? How do you reason with a miniature you? If you don’t play your cards right, you will end up sleeping in the living room.

By the time you come up with a plan, both mother and son are asleep. Well so much for having a happy ending.

These are but some situations that just ruin the mood beyond no return. They are situations we all face and tend to laugh at. Dont worry too much about them, they happens to everyone.



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