When trying to conceive gets in the way of intimacy

One of the most exciting parts of coupling is trying for a baby. But one of the most devastating experiences for a couple to endure is learning they are unable to have children without external support. It can be hurtful to both members of the relationship to feel like life, God, The Universe or other Deity has played a cruel joke on you, leading you to the love of your life yet denying you opportunity to produce a child on your own. There is also bound to be a sense of blame -- self or external -- and especially if the infertility can be pinpointed to a specific person, reason or behaviour.

Even if it can’t, the sense of betrayal can be overwhelming. When the couple finally does seek other alternatives, the financial burden of fertility treatment can be overwhelming and the invasive nature of the treatment only causes further frustration.

It is no wonder, then, that a couple’s sex life would be directly impacted by this experience and everything that surrounds it. I’m here to encourage you that while your life may go through a season of great challenges, infertility and the steps you take to intervene need not rob you of the quality of your relationship -- in and out of bed.

So what can you do to not only protect your sex life but also allow you both to thrive in it during this season?

Trust the professionals

Let them be professionals. That means being open and honest about any concerns that you have. It also means having the willingness to share when/if you’re experiencing challenges in your sex life.

Men might find that they begin to struggle with performance anxiety which can cause them to struggle to attain an erection, or sustain it. Women may struggle with low libido, low sex drive or even vaginal dryness especially if they’re feeling particularly stressed.

Whatever the case, understand that it’s a normal response to a stressful situation so address it with kindness and compassion while allowing yourselves to get help from the professionals that you’ll be working with.

Too much information

Become deliberate about who you share this information with, and who you keep it away from. The last thing you need is to be shamed by nosey busy bodies, scared into believing that this infertility is some sort of punishment from your Deity or inundated with unhelpful home and herbal remedies to “cure” it, leaving you with a heavy sense of blame and responsibility.

Infertility is a diagnosed medical condition and only those who can be loving and supportive should be allowed into the circle of chosen people to support you through it, as needed.

I’m tempted to say “don’t Google anything” but I don’t think that’s a realistic expectation. Instead, let me recommend that you go out of your way to look for useful information rather than the scary, deflating, worrisome information out there.

Worrying yourself half to death is unlikely to help you feel better or improve your chances of successful treatment so avoid it. Instead of reading about the couples whose relationship did not survive the treatment, go out of your way to look for couples who weathered the storm and even came out stronger, with or without a baby.

Instead of falling down the internet rabbit hole that can sometimes be our version of ‘research’, become deliberate and discerning about which sites you visit and why. Get a support system online and give yourself the space and permission to get support from people who are offering it.

Research ways to improve or protect your sex life so that this season does not take from you an experience that you enjoyed prior to the beginning of treatment.

Work on intimacy

One of the challenges of fertility treatment is that it can actually cause resentment towards sexual intimacy. Some couples have complained that they felt like all they were good for was ‘sex for pregnancy’ and they got lost and forgotten somewhere in there.

Some men felt frustrated that they were required to have sex on a schedule, whether or not they were ‘in the mood’. The pressure to perform was also real, in the sense that every sexual encounter had the hope or expectation of a pregnancy attached. Due to this, couples will sometimes experience a loss of desire for each other and/or a loss of desire for sex itself.

Other times, couples will grow resentful from feeling undesired by their partner except for creating a new life. The quest for new life can feel like life itself has been sucked out of your life.

Infidelity has sometimes resulted, not as a rejection of the partner but more as a way of connecting to the part of you that feels like it’s disappearing from your very eyes. The problem with infidelity is that it does not solve anything and is, in fact, likely to compound the problem.

Instead, lean into creating a safe and loving space between you so that your needs are spoken, heard and met. Another thing you can do is literally separate ‘fertility sex’ from ‘sex for sex’s sake, ‘desire’ sex, ‘fun’ sex or any of the other kinds of sex that you would like to be having.

Take a weekly break

The nature of treatment is such that fertility cycles do need to be religiously tracked and sex does need to be scheduled. There’s not much you can do about that, but maybe there’s something you can do about other aspects of your relationship e.g. perhaps you can be deliberate about reconnecting sexually without thinking about a baby, or perhaps you can have one day per week or a chunk of time in a day where nothing related to treatment can be discussed, or an increase in doing all the things that got you to fall in love with one another.

The point is to try to remember that your partnership existed before the children and it is important that it continue to exist regardless of the outcome.

In the event of a successful outcome, it would be no use to have the gift of parenthood on parents who are so shredded from the experience that they can no longer/barely function as a solid unit on which to build a relationship. There are still several options, all of which will be better handled if you feel safe and secure with one another.

Either way, maintaining or improving your relationship and your sex life can only help you through this season before you so do what you need to do to be OK. You’re going to benefit greatly from a safe, satisfying relationship in which fertility treatment is just an aspect of your lives and not the totality of your lives or relationship, in and out of bed.

Finally, I recommend that you seek out the support of a couple’s therapist as you go through this season. A therapist who can help you attend to your sexual needs just may give you the unbiased view of how things really are, and how to go about improving them.

It can be difficult to find the energy to do what you know needs to be when you’re also in a state of feeling overwhelmed and fatigued by other things. A therapist can be just the help you need for some of the heavy lifting.

My hope is you have read something here today that can act as a catalyst for change in your relationship, in and out of bed. I wish you the best as you walk through this journey, and wish you the best possible outcomes available to you.

Maggie Gitu is a Marriage, Family & Sex Therapist (MAMFT) and can be reached at [email protected] or at @MaggieTheTherapist on Instagram