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Confessions: Is my wife a sex addict or just promiscuous?


I have been in marriage for about five years but it has not been entirely smooth. We break up and make up quite often – more so because she has been having multiple affairs with men, and especially her male colleagues. I have caught her several times and seen many chat conversations. At one point, she lied that they work on Saturday, or that she is going home – only to show up the following day with a hangover. She cannot stop going out with men and I am tired of all the petty lies. I love her and want to help her but I don’t think she is ready to be helped. I am hurting emotionally and don’t know what to do with a woman I can't trust. Please advise me.


What the readers say:

Jack, the turbulence you're facing in your marriage is in itself a recipe for hard times ahead. You admit your wife has had multiple affairs and, to make it worse, you have caught her several times. This must hurt so much. I see this as a marriage that has already broken down. The lost trust puts you in a delicate position. You have to make tough decisions about the future of your life. I see the desperation in you – a man who is drifting into depression. Even though you're insisting you love her and that you would want to help, the truth is she is on the verge of leaving you physically since she has already left you emotionally.

{Arthur Omuse}

I think your wife is a nymphomaniac – a woman with uncontrollable or excessive sexual desire. Have you tried family counselling? Have you talked to her to tell her that her behaviour is hurting you? Just be straight with her and tell her to move out otherwise she will easily infect you with HIV. Your life is and should be more precious than that woman. This woman is playing dangerously with your life so think hard and consult widely with relatives, friends and church ministers and they will help you to solve your problem.

{Onyango Outha}

Jack, you have tolerated her for so long that she is now used to you being tolerant. A mention of hangover means two things -- alcohol and probably sex. I don’t think you need this throughout your stay with her. Sometimes you just have to accept that things are not working. You have said that you love her but she is not reciprocating. Tell her boldly to decide which man she wants and leave her, otherwise you will soon contract some sexually transmitted infections and the repercussions are well known to you.

{Ouma Ragumo – Sifuyo}

Simon says:

Jack, you must be going through quite a lot with this and I think you have tried your level best to get to where you are with this relationship. Five years is indeed reasonable time so I believe you have given this all your patience and consideration. We are going to work out a solution and hopefully give you a few options to consider.

I encourage you to look at things objectively and try and dig deep to understand what is really going on. The first thing is to talk to her and make it clear you are not comfortable with the way things are and that you need for both of you to get to the bottom of this – whatever is going on.

I believe there are some deep and complex issues that may be making her to do the things she is doing so you could talk her towards getting her to accept counselling as a means to solving the issues within your relationship. This will provide a platform where both of you can share what is going on, how each one feels about all this and get an indication of what we are dealing with. I encourage you to go this way first because you may be dealing with a sex or alcohol addict -- she will need lots of help.

This will also bring out the issues as to why she stays out at night, who is she usually with, whether she having an affair and why she is telling lies. Armed with this information you will be able to decide what to do.

If she is not an addict and she is just being promiscuous, I encourage you to leave and look for love elsewhere. Once promiscuous, she will always be promiscuous so do not feel any form of remorse or loss if you choose to go this way. You deserve to be happy and need to live a good and stress free life.

If she has no good reason for all the lies and why she is always going out with men, get her to hit the road and start afresh. It seems the trust and patience you have for her is over and if she is not ready to come clean and look for a solution out of the current mess she has put you through, leave that woman brother, leave.

With time, the feelings you have for her could turn into deep resentment and loathe which could get you to do things you will regret later. The best time to leave would be now but give it one last try towards assisting her through this.

Simon Anyona is a relationships counsellor

Boke says:

Dear Jack,

We all would love to be given second chances and you have been kind enough to offer your wife numerous ones. Before you make up your mind on what to do, it is only kind that you also look within yourself to find out if there could be something you are doing or not doing that could be contributing to your wife's behaviour.

What could be making her enjoy the company of other men and not yours? I am by no means blaming you for her behaviour. It is only fair to query ourselves before we entirely accuse our spouses.

Unfortunately, your wife has eroded every bit of trust you had. Trust is the glue that holds relationships together. Once trust is lost, chances for a relationship to survive become slim. It is possible that your wife is looking for a way to end the marriage because it is hard to understand this kind of outright infidelity.

Get talking, let her know the options that her actions are presenting to you. This is because it is just a matter of time and your patience will wear out. Otherwise this marriage will be a source of pain in your life and this has a way of affecting many other aspects of your life such as your health. It can even lead to depression.

If it happens that she wants to go her way, let her go. Find peace in the fact that you have fought for your marriage. It will be unwise to continue to hold on. We hope she can change. If she decides to change, forgive her and work towards building a strong relationship.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology

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