Confessions: He’s been cheating on me, his parents are OK with it

I have been going through something that has brought me so much pain and anger. My husband of 22 years has been dating another woman and they have a 10-year-old son. I found out and confirmed it and we have fought about this countless times.

I even reported this to his parents but they turned their back on me and said he is a grown man and can do as he wishes. Whenever I confront him on this, he goes quiet for days then acts as if nothing happened. We even go for months without sex and he will not stop cheating on me.

We have three teenagers and they love their father very much.

Please advise me on what I can do to solve this. I have prayed about this but nothing seems to be happening and it really hurts.

{Joy}

What the readers say:

Joy, you women need to understand that when a man gets a child out of wedlock, it does not mean he stopped loving you. There is absolutely no reason for you to keep fighting so handle this issue with some maturity and help him bring up all his kids.

{Aseri Dick}

Two wrongs do not make a right so you need to start doing the right things. If you have not legalised your marriage, do so as soon as possible. Another way of fighting from within is to accept the woman as your number two and let your husband introduce her to you officially in front of your parents and his parents. As long as he provides for everyone, just accept that he has a child with her and accommodate them. Be smart through this and you will see a positive response.

{Jeff Chepkwony}

Joy, the only way to happiness is forging ahead. Accept this other child to save yourself from denial. Sometimes things do not always work as we expect. Find out from him what plans he has for the other family and, whatever the situation, find a level ground. Fighting over what has happened won’t solve anything.

{Ouma Ragumo – Sifuyo}

I understand how you feel, but the truth of the matter is that your husband is a cheat  and does not respect your marriage. He should have disclosed all this early to make it easy for everyone. The last thing a child needs is a deadbeat dad who abandons his responsibility both financially and emotionally. He didn’t ask to be born but, since he’s there, he deserves to have a father involved in his life. If you divorce him, do it only because he is a cheat, not because he has a child outside your marriage.

{Fred Jausenge}

Simon says:

Joy, you have now confirmed the situation as it is and you have all your facts on the table. Your husband is involved with another woman, they have a child together and this relationship seems to have been going on for more than 10 years.

With things as they are, then he is not cheating on you (in the literal meaning of cheating) rather this is a man with two families. This is why when you ask him about his cheating, he does not have an answer for you but remains silent for a number of days until normalcy returns.

On one hand, this is a situation you can do little about. If anything, the most critical step is to accept that they exist and that they are a part of his life and by extension a part of yours. Acceptance will pave way for more candid and sober discussions around this and will gradually reduce the hurt on your part. It is the denial about all this (on your part) and his inability to come clean with you on this that is making this situation difficult and painful.

A change in perceptions will help to lower the tension between the two of you and help streamline many things.

This tension and hard-line stances that both of you have taken towards this situation is what is leading to even months without sex because the intimacy and feelings of love are lost in this. This can be fixed and it is upon the two of you to see how best to go about this.

The truth of the matter is that he is also contributing to the existing tension by not coming out clean on this and if I knew him, I would encourage him to get out of the closet and to put all the cards on the table. This is really not cheating on his part as this is another family that he is raising. On your part, quite some internal reflection may be needed in an attempt to look at things from a different perspective. I understand that this may not be the most convenient way to go about it but it will help to settle many things and make life easier and better for everyone.

Simon is a relationships counsellor

Boke says:

Dear Joy,

Marriage experts have indicated that marriages go through various phases. Some say four while some say seven phases. Whichever one we go with, your marriage is in that phase where you both are carried away by the demands of life be it, parenting or career. It is also between the first and the second decade of marriage that midlife crisis creeps in. This and many other things, depending on your situation, has a way of affecting marriages. It is during this period that the individuals can make wrong choices, some reversible and some irreversible. Lots of caution should be taken as families navigate through this period.

What your husband has is a second family looking at the number of years he has been with the woman. His family too seems to be in support of his actions.

What you need to do is ask your husband to be open about this other relationship and his intentions. If he has made up his mind to keep both families, then your resistance will only cause you more pain.

I reckon that it is not easy but the fact that he has kept this family a secret for all these years should make you rethink your hard stance. This is because the more the other family operates in secrecy and mystery, the more it will trouble you. The more you are troubled, the more your reaction will send your husband away.

Change your approach from accusatory and judgmental to one of concern. The outcome could surprise you. Let him tell you his plan and you can also air your fears as you lay clear operational guidelines as opposed to letting him operate as he feels. Polygamous families are not the most favourable arrangements but burying your head in the sand in your case will not help you.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology