Confessions: Is my boyfriend too immature for me?

I am 27 and I have been in a relationship with a 23-year-old guy. He treats me well and makes me happy compared to all the other men I have met but I find him too young and somehow immature in the things he does. We recently lost a good amount of money after he was conned in a funny way. From then on, my attraction towards him went down and I am not sure we can go far with this age difference. Many times, I feel like I am pressuring him with things that are beyond him like having a child, marriage etc. I am not sure about this and need your help. Please advise me.

{Crystal}

What readers say:

It seems you are both in this relationship for different reasons. The young man probably wanted a sex partner while you wanted a man and husband. Now that you are learning he is young in mind and age, it’s possible he is also learning you are old in age and mind which means you will always move in separate ways. Read his body language and you will realise he is also not into it, as at now. Stop this girl, now, and take the appropriate path before it’s too late for both of you.

{Tasma Saka}

I don’t think that a 4-year age difference is a big deal. Dating is more about maturity and I even know of men who are dating younger ladies who are even more mature than them. If he makes you happy and treats you well as a woman then take time to nurture and transform him into a mature man. You can change him into what you want him to be so work on this.

{Fred Jausenge}

Age is critical in relationships, especially when the lady is older but it should not be a deterrent to happiness. There are many people who are grappling with issues of love yet their ages are fine. Stand up for what you believe in and for the man you love.

{Aseri Dick}

Yes, age does matter in a relationship – there is a reason why God created Adam before Eve. I think the guy is just enjoying your sponsorship and does what you want but his heart is not with you. Look for another man of same age or slightly above yours, but if you still want to be sponsor to this boy then go ahead and be ready to lose more money in trying to keep him. 

{Onyango Outha}

Go slow on the young man and handle him with patience. So many such relationships have and are still blossoming regardless of age difference. Our minds are our own prisons. Yes, if you have it in mind that he is too young then you are imprisoned by your own thoughts. As for losing money, any man can fall victim to this but you can give him guidance on investments and he will be smarter.

{Ouma Ragumo – Sifuyo}

Boke says:

I commend you for being honest in your observation as well as your feelings. What you are facing is a common experience brought about by your age difference, particularly when the male is younger. It has been proven that the ladies mature faster compared to the gentlemen. This is not to rule out the viability of this relationship.

There are relationships with the conventional age difference, where the man is older but still that does not guarantee their success. You two are still dating and the essence of this period is to give you the opportunity to observe and relate with the other person while the doors are still open. You have an opportunity to give an honest judgement and assessment of the relationship before making a life commitment.

Remember relationships are about give and take. No one individual comes as a complete package. There are areas of compromise. That is not to mean that you should stand everything. You need to know by now what areas you can compromise and what areas are non-negotiable.  Once this is clear, then you have no reason to hesitate or feel guilty of making a decision. In your case, if these areas of immaturity are a major concern for you then you need not force things. You feel you are ready for marriage but he is not. You cannot force him to settle down.

As for financial prudence, I would not so much look at it as an age issue but rather a personal matter. We all have different attitudes towards money. It helps a great deal to recognise whose attitude is rewarding and therefore allow them take a lead in that area. That is what relationship are for, to fill in our gaps and weaknesses. You two should have an honest conversation and agree on how both of you can benefit from your financial knowledge.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology

Simon says:

Christine, there is nothing fundamentally wrong with relationships where the lady is more senior in age than the man it is just not our day-to-day norm for things to be that way. Such relationships do exist and some of them work while others do not live long enough to tell the tales.

However, such relationships come with their fair share of challenges which can have adverse effects on either of or both parties. These challenges are caused by various elements some of which include differences in perceptions about certain things, expectations of each partner about the other, varied levels of knowledge and experience in relationships as well as divergent goals for the relationship.

While such relationships actually work in some instances, they are more likely to work when the parties are generally much older and have substantial experience in relationships. A man of 24 years is still very young and is somewhat far from understanding the needs, wants and desires of a 27 year old woman. Ideally, while you are only 3 years older on a relative scale you are almost 7–10 years ahead of him so it may be very difficult for both of you to see eye-to-eye on many things which is why you often find him immature.

The other strange thing is that while you find him immature, you still trust him with major decisions such as investments and you have money in the process. That man is still too young to be handling major investments since he is easily excited and lacks the wisdom, knowledge and experience to handle such things. For now, I advice you either tolerate him as he is and nurture him towards maturity or let him go for now with the hope of catching him later as a more mature and experienced man.

Further, engaging him in such a relationship may even stunt his growth and development in terms of emotional intelligence and personal development. This is because as his senior you will often baby sit him and protect him from the harsh realities of this life which is a critical stage for every man, and this will affect him for the rest of his life.

Many who get into such arrangements early can't stand on their own two feet. My advice for you is to consider letting him go and hope to find your match or to catch him later when he is more mature and ready for a relationship.

Simon is a relationships counsellor