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We all know that children and technology should be kept in separate rooms. Or ideally, countries. Were it possible, we would have a restraining order issued between them and all devices, including and not limited to iPads, PS4s and mobile phones. Especially mobile phones.
And not just to prevent them from watching some YouTube teenager playing video games in their musty pants in a musty basement, but to stop them taking so many photos and videos that your phone memory becomes full, even though it has the same amount of space on it as Greenland.
Obviously, it’s summer and there are larks at the beach, ice creams at the park, and day trips to the seventh circle of hell that is a theme park in August, to mark with photos that currently cannot be taken on my phone.
And so I spent an evening when I should have been drinking rosé and eating burnt chicken legs in the garden, going through the 5,387 photos and videos on my phone in order to make room for the recording of more summer hi-jinks.
This is the modern- day equivalent of clearing out boxes in the loft, where you’d waste three hours remembering that concert you fainted at in 1995, cringing over photos of your disastrous meeting with a tub of purple hair dye, and you and that Greek boy with the mullet you snogged in Skiathos in 1989.
I scrolled back through such momentous events as our regretful first holiday as a four to Cornwall, when my daughter was six weeks old, and it was about as relaxing as doing an Iron Man race dressed as a stegosaurus, stopping only to delete 64 photos my daughter had taken of our coffee table with some bits of old toast on it.
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There was also a burst of 27 photos of my son’s pyjamas on his bedroom carpet, 41 photos of our rabbit hutch (a blur of rabbit fur made it into shot twice), and 104 of the living room windows (cobwebs included). At any available opportunity it seems they go on a paparazzi-style snapping session of random bits of furniture and discarded clothing.
Which reminds me to always keep the door closed when I’m in the shower, because my daughter also has a habit of somehow managing to post pictures on Facebook…
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