Children are messy and parenthood is overrated: The plight of a new dad

Your ex never gave you the chance to spend a minute with your son as a toddler. That woman is the real devil. So, you have never known the intricacies of raising a toddler in the first few weeks. How do you wish man was like other mammals, like say the giraffe that a few hours after giving birth, the mother kicks the ass of the calf, rousing it to escape any impending danger?

Nothing prepared you for this. You are presently the most sleep-deprived father in the world. The little one is constantly awake at night. And he wants company. The mother is overly tired as she recovers. That means you have to act like the modern, loving dad, holding the baby, quite literally. Interestingly, after breastfeeding, he is supposed to be held in a certain way, the chest well lined up with your chest until he burps. It is a complex science. Did all the three billion fathers on earth go all through this?

You would have loved a lesson to prep you to navigate a house with a newborn. Often, you want to stay in the bar until late at night, but that will not be humane. You gotta give it to women. Dealing with an infant is not as easy as we assume. Then there are the visits to the clinic. You envy our fathers who got away with it. Those guys were never home and childbearing and raising was purely the mother’s job. For now, you need a better sleep routine. You reported to work mid last week, but you barely can get around the office consciously. You are drunk. Contrary to the silly opinion, coffee does not make you any more alert than listening to classical music makes you intelligent. Energy drinks are toxic and hardly helpful.

“Is there a way you can stop a baby from sleeping during the day, so he can sleep soundly at night?” you ask. “That is a bit dumb of you…” Carol tells you. She is also frustrated. But despite your sacrifices, she thinks you are a selfish prick. Whereas you excuse yourself that you are going to work and need to grab some sleep, and you have twice gone to the sitting room if only to escape the wrath of the piercing cry. But Carol insists that is the most selfish thing a man can do.

“You really have to help me, because it is really exhausting,” she quarrels. “But you are on leave, come on, you can sleep during the day. I drive to work, have so much work and I can’t really be effective on two-hour sleep,” you plead with her.

“How is that my problem? I equally do so much during the day… be considerate.” You want to ask like what, but Carol is lately moody, and you don’t want to inflame her anger any more than she is now.

You need a strategy. Maybe you nap in office, or as soon as you get home, in readiness for the night shift. 

@nyanchwani

[email protected]