How to deal with vaginal dryness

Dear Eve,

I am having trouble lubricating during sex which makes me feel so much pain. I tried using lube but it did not work. I was not always like this and I don’t know what changed. What can I do?

Caroline.

Dear Caroline, Vaginal dryness can be a frustrating experience for both you and your partner. I hope that the following tips are useful to you and your partner as you seek to have a more enjoyable sex life.

1. See a gynaecologist. Your vaginal dryness could be a physical, systemic issue such as thyroid problems or even a hormonal imbalance e.g. due to menopause or peri-menopause. At the very least, the peace of mind after getting a clean bill of health will be worth it. Even if the gynaecologist discovers a medical reason, they will be in the position to offer you appropriate treatments or other interventions.

2. Change your lube. In other words, experiment with different lubes. If the one you have been using is water-based one, try a silicone-based one. You may find that it works better for you. Try different brands as well. I also encourage you to try different brands because one formulation may serve your needs better than another.

3. Watch your diet. It is true that we are what we eat so watch what you eat so that your body can be free to respond to sexual touch instead of overwhelming itself with the job of digesting or managing what you feed it.

4. Exercise. While you are certainly welcome to work out in a more formal way, when I say “exercise” I don’t necessarily mean that you should join a gym with the goal of becoming skinny; I mean, move that body so that sexual activity is a normal part of your life instead of a new experience that requires adjusting. Take walks, take the stairs, stretch, jog...move!

5. Foreplay is key! What happens before penetration is literally the key to getting you wet so...use it! Help your partner understand the utter importance of this; in fact, tell him I said so! Rushing past this stage of love-making and then reaching for the lube as a supplement could explain why your body is not cooperating; you are simply not physiologically excited enough.

A woman’s body requires time to warm up to the idea of the physical, emotional and sexual energy that leads to sexual pleasure. You need to relax into it and there is no better way than foreplay. In other words, put the “play” in foreplay.

6. Oral sex. If this is a part of your repertoire, then you will be happy to know that it is very useful in terms of getting your body to release its natural lubrication therefore I urge you to take advantage of it. Part of climax for many women is the production of lubrication so this could be one way for him to help your body help itself.

7. Let your fingers do the walking. Let him touch you and/or touch yourself before and during sex. Stimulating your clitoris during penetration has been known to give powerful orgasms and the pleasure can stimulate your body to produce its own lubricant or supplement what you’re using.

8. Pay attention to any stress in or out of the relationship. A stressed out mind is a stressed out body and a stressed out body is a dry body.  Your mind – which I often refer to as your biggest and best sex organ – can focus on protecting you from stress or it can busy itself sending appropriate sex signals when the time is right. Help it help you by addressing the things that stress you so that you can free your mind to get your body ready for sexual activity. In the same breath, learn to compartmentalise so that sex time is sex time. It may not be realistic to resolve all your “stressors” in one sitting so learn to set things aside during sex.

9. Try different foods to help with lubrication. I’ve heard it said that coconut – especially young coconut (madafu) - is an excellent food for vaginal lubrication. Coconut oil and coconut water are also supposed to be helpful with that. Flax seed are also rumoured to be helpful in that area. Whether or not these foods actually help, I am a believer in using whatever works, including the placebo effects, so go for it. In fact, seek out information about what foods, herbs and spices your community (or other communities) use to resolve the all-too-common issue of vaginal dryness. Yes, I do give homework and yes I do expect you to do it, so please do it and let me know what you found out.

10. Enjoy non-penetrative sexual activity. I will leave this to you but I mean things like sexting, mutual masturbation, oral sex, prolonged kissing, heavy petting, fingering, consuming erotic literature or doing whatever else excites your -- you and your partner -- senses. I hope that some things on this list will be useful. I encourage you to be wild, have fun and take the pressure off sex. Happy lubricating!

Maggie Gitu holds an MA in Marriage & Family Therapy. She practices as a Marriage, Family & Sex Therapist and can be reached at [email protected] or via her Facebook page: Maggie Gitu.