I do not have a womb and worse is I have never told my husband about it : Evewoman - The Standard

Marriage Advice

I do not have a womb and worse is I have never told my husband about it

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I am 31 and have been married for four years. We have been trying to have a baby for a long time but I know that I cannot have a child. I don't have a uterus as it was surgically removed for reasons I cannot explain in public. Now he is pushing for us to go to a fertility clinic so we can both be examined.

I have known this all along and I am afraid that if he finds out he is going to leave me. I am totally confused and scared as I don't want to be alone in this life. Please advise me.

Your Take

I believe you have made a friend in him so do not wait for someone else to break the news to him. Prepare psychologically for the outcome even if it means seeking professional help. {Mercy Baiyenia}

 Lydia, being dishonest to your husband is not good at all. It only creates a negative picture of you and shows there are many other things you hide from him. It is high time for you to tell him the truth and look for a positive alternative together. {Tom Ogendi}

 Marriage is based on truth and as they say, it shall set you free. One thing you must accept is that when he needs a child then you will have no option but to accept a co-wife. He might not send you away but you must accept that this is a possibility. Go ahead and advise him to take a second wife and remind him that it’s not your making.
{Ouma Ragumo}

Counsellors Take

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 Communication between husband and wife is crucial but most people handle it differently. Do not keep the skeleton in the closet for too long. Seek the help of a professional counsellor to help you deal with this. If you handle the situation together, you are more likely to find a lasting solution. Deal with it early otherwise he may consider marrying a second wife or make life difficult for you. {Andrew Didy Chaplin}

 This situation may be permanent but it does not mean that you will never have children. There are many alternatives for having children but they will need your husband’s support. You can also have a surrogate mother carry the baby for you to full term then bring the children up for him. Tell him the truth and find a solution. {Onyango Outha}

Lydia, people live with all manner of secrets even through marriages. Some of these secrets may remain hidden with little risk of discovery but most of them eventually surface. This is because there are certain things that are generally out of our control and thus our ability to keep them concealed is greatly comprised. Yours is one of them and it is just a matter of time before it comes out in the open.

However, being that you know what is going on here and that you have kept is secret through the years of your marriage, I would encourage you to put some thought as to how well you know your husband in terms of his ability to handle the news and the situation surrounding this.

Different people handle situations in diverse ways. If you think he is the kind of person who handles the truth well then you can open up and tell him the whole story. However, you ought to know that in our African set-up, issues that revolve around children are extremely sensitive and they make or break many marriages. The fact that you have known about this all along is likely to make things even more complicated.

This is an important component of a relationship and many people would prefer to be aware of such situations in the early stages of a relationship then they can make “informed decisions”. He may feel cheated that you knew this all along and that you chose to keep it from him.

With this, I encourage you to talk to your doctor before the test and seek his assistance in disclosing this to your husband. I believe the reasons behind this situation may be rather sensitive and thus the doctor would be wise enough to know what information needs to be told and what is best left in the past. A competent doctor would know how to handle the matter in a way that would put every ones best interest into consideration.

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Since this is a permanent situation, it is best that he gets to know the magnitude of the problem so you can both search for a feasible solution to this. In the present day there are many options to having children and you will most certainly be advised on this. Lastly, I recommend therapy to assist both of you in dealing with the situation.

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