When the knot unties: things fall apart during nuptials after the wedding

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Contrary to popular belief, weddings are not rosy affairs, where everything goes on perfectly as planned. Actually, on time, mishap-free and perfect weddings only happen in novels, soap operas and movies.

In the movies, newly-married couples — giggly and all smiles — always jump into a car with a "just married" banner, leaving everyone green with envy.

It's always assumed the two love birds are headed to an idealistic paradise for their honeymoon, where love will be so intense that the bride will return pregnant!

But in real life and behind the veneer of glamour, pomp and colour, weddings are actually a big farce.

Besides the now-common cases of a jilted lover or concubine storming the venue and interrupting the exchange of vows, so many things normally go horribly wrong on this special day, however meticulously planned the occasion may be.

When party pooper steal the show from bride

First off, there is the small matter of some parents turning themselves into nuisances and ruining the day. Or lovers who drag side shows like proposing to each other at such events, stealing the show from the bride.

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A tale is told of a city-based pompous drama queen, well-known for her loud mouth and bulbous headgear who not only caused drama, but also stole the limelight from her daughter during her wedding to her Ghanaian lover.

Keen not to 'stoop so low', the grandiose mother-in-law turned down a ride in a Pajero that had been reserved for her trip to the reception and demanded to ride in the special limo that had been set aside for the bride and her maid of honour!

To save face and avoid embarrassment, panic-stricken wedding organisers had to quickly make adjustments. The aging drama queen was not done yet.

Upon arriving at the reception, being the high-profile senior citizen and prima donna that she is, she took the game a notch higher and further stole the show when her bodyguard was seen closely manning her, attracting unnecessary attention in the process.

What's more, she caused paparazzi to fall over themselves, trying to take the best shots of her trademark bulbous and bulgy headgear, which turned out to be a bigger story than the wedding itself!

Parents' embarrassing speeches

At yet another recent wedding reception in Nairobi's Karen estate, the mother of the groom launched into a very long and boring speech, embarrassing the young man in the process.

For close to 45 minutes, the mother bored guests with long-winded tales of how it was such a bother and Herculean task bringing up and educating the groom.

"Heh, I tell you, of all my children, Tom was a special case. He had this bad habit of wetting his bed. When angry, he used to express his anger by peeing and crapping on himself. We really worked on him to be the man he is," said the mother-in-law, while giving a speech on the groom's history.

She went on to spill more beans, saying he never used to like brushing teeth and had it not been her strictness, the groom wouldn't have turned out well.

"We hope he has changed and will not give this young, pretty woman a nightmare," she said cheekily, leaving the congregation in stitches. Meanwhile, the embarrassed groom could be seen uncomfortably squirming in his seat.

Much as this might have been passed off as a joke and much-needed comic relief at such a tense moment, who knows, the bride might have taken it so seriously and completely changed the way he looked at the groom.

A certain Grace recalls, with embarrassment, how her stepfather got so drunk on her wedding day three years ago that he just could not handle himself.

"He got high and forgot himself. He ripped off his shirt and began dancing bare-chested, whilst making some weird moves, scandalizing family members," says Grace.

A man surnamed Okwach says he never enjoyed the reception of his wedding and was at pains to explain later why he looked uptight, never danced nor wiggled his bottom proper as expected.

"I ate bad food and developed a running stomach. I just couldn't dance and act freely. Each time I tried to freely shake a leg, it felt like I was about to experience bowel moments," says Okwach.

He adds that he had to keep squirming and holding his stomach in to restrict his bowels, lest he soiled himself and screwed up the celebration.

You can only imagine how dramatic it would have been, had be bolted away from the aisle at maximum speed to the nearest toilet or bush!

How about this bride who got a little bit too nervous that she fainted while being kissed as her wedding was being filmed for a local TV show?

Or this garden wedding where it was so hot that everyone was literally melting? So much so that one of the groomsmen who had decorated his hair with some cheap dye began sweating profusely while dancing, with the black dye running down his face with the sweat?

When honeymoon night turns cold

Sometimes, the honeymoon begins and ends in bitter acrimony between the bride and groom. The marriage is never consummated and sometimes, the fallout is so severe that love permanently dies.

Take, for instance, the newly-wedded couple that was headed to the US for their honeymoon. They clashed at their wedding reception, coldly ignored each other during the flight to the US, right through the honeymoon and back.

Reason? During their wedding reception at a Nairobi club, the bride, who thought she was the only fish in the lake, was disgusted when she discovered her husband had invited some of his well-known ex-girlfriends who made the groom uncomfortable.

The moody bride sulked throughout, lowering the spirits of those in attendance. By the time the couple was escorted to the airport to start a new life, all was clearly not well.

With all the wedding shows on television, matrimony has turned into showbiz but the truth is that most of these weddings are a circus, just a show; candy for the eye after heavy editing.

If only they were to show everything, including village gluttons who stash delicacies in handbags to carry home and all, they would make for great comedy.

Interesting to note also is the fact that by the wedding day, some brides and grooms are usually not on talking terms.

Some only go on with the wedding to avoid embarrassing their relatives and friends, not to mention the massive resources poured into the fete. Many live to rue the day they decided to get married.

Busted cheating just before wedding

A case in point is a female friend to this writer who wedded a while back, despite having caught her husband-to-be cheating two months to her big day.

So furious was the lady that she went silent and only began talking to him — albeit reluctantly — a month to the wedding.

"I saw the entire conversation about the sexual rendezvous on his phone, and was so pissed off," hissed the woman, in an earlier conversation with this writer. You can only imagine how acrimonious her honeymoon was.

Contrary to popular belief that a lot of wild acts of rod goes on during the honeymoon or wedding night, nothing could be further from the truth.

All the effort that goes into a wedding — from the committee, to tailoring clothes, finding the wedding cake and decorating the church, the hall and the cars - is quite exhausting.

By the wedding day, everyone is tired, especially the bride and groom, and the last thing on their minds is consummating the marriage.

This undue stress and pressure, when not contained, may cause a usually sensible bride or groom to behave a little out of character.

Night of terror for virgins, inexperienced wives

What's more, the wedding night is normally a night of terror for virgins and grooms with no or little experience between the sheets, especially when the bridegroom turns out to be a savage bedroom bully, hung like a donkey.

In fact, most of the time, the marriage is never consummated. For others, the bride is stressed out and tired after the vigorous ceremony and nookie is the last thing she wants to hear.

Unbelievably, there are 'overly religious' women who stay months even years without consummating their marriages because they perceive sex as a sin and devilish!

For some men, they get disappointed on the wedding night after they rudely discover that their wives are not virgins as they have all along been masquerading as 'water-torn gullies'.