How does she drink soda? Clear signs you are dating a mshamba woman who’s a wannabe

A recent research by the UK-based Mirror revealed 10 signs that indicate ‘class.’ Let’s just say that if we are to take the findings as gospel truth, then our Kenyan women won’t even make a blip on the radar. We are not only mannerless and lack courtesy, but also very fake.

According to the report, a woman who is classy is one who:

Wears subtle make-up: Oh Lord, on this we are all sinners. We go to bed with made-up faces and wake up to do a touch of foundation even before we brush our goddamn teeth. Kenyan women are the reason the cosmetic industry is thriving. You’ll meet a woman today looking like Nikki Minaj and the following day, she’ll be something between Torrey Hart and Ciara. Subtle is a word Kenyan women don’t recognise.

They always overdo it, they shave the entire brows only to draw it back with a purple eyepencil. The lipstick will be maroon, while the foundation will either be darker or lighter than the skin instead of complementing their complexion.

Does not wear heels higher than she can walk in: You get off a matatu at OTC from Kirinyaga, where up until you qualified for college in Nairobi, you wore rubber shoes or walked barefoot; or get off at Machakos Airport from Western Kenya wearing those pumps.

 A few months in Nairobi, the city bug bites you and you begin wobbling around in high heels. Why suffer all that discomfort, yet you can opt for comfortable low-heels, flats or wedges. Nobody wants to be held up in human traffic with you at the front tottering about like a drunk.

Does not drink from the bottle: So, you want to show us what a bad ass you are, how you are ghetto and can fold sleeves do the dirty like a man? Oh, please! There’s nothing wrong with taking stiff drinks. Just don’t quaff it from a bottle.

Accepts compliments graciously: Compliment a Kenyan lady and chances are she will take it wrongly. Tell her she looks ravishing and she will hit you with, “Niko na chali!” Aiii! Who asked you that?!  Just accept the compliment and move on, do not read more than there is to it.  And for your information, a compliment from a man does not necessarily mean he is flirting with you.

Does not reveal too much cleavage: Titties that are like mounds of clay may endear you to many admirers.  Thanks to push-up bras, even women with average busts can now flaunt their chest assets. Unfortunately, women are taking this too far. They litter Nairobi streets with boobs that threaten to spill from their tight blouses, if they as much as sneeze. Yes, you have nice breasts, but shouldn’t the view of the magnificent pair be reserved for the lucky guy?

Always smell nice: If only we invested half of the cash we spend on weaves on decent perfumes or roll-ons, things would be much better. A typical Kenyan woman reeks of a weave that is so sweaty, it stinks like the fart of a mad man.

Her armpits (the shameless ones do not even shave) smell like a sty, yet she’ll be lugging a pricey handbag that is worth at least Sh15k.  It is the same women who would want to smother you in lingering hugs.  And you wonder why some of them just can’t seem to get men lusting after them!

Wears dresses tight enough to show she is a woman and loose enough to show she is a lady: Being a woman is about your anatomy, but being a lady is a matter of sophistication through education, upbringing, exposure and so on. Many women can’t tell the difference between classy and trashy. When you wear an expensive dress that leaves very little to the imagination, my friend, you are trashy, regardless of who you are.

We often get it wrong by our dressing, which only goes to show how insecure and classless we are. We portray an image of desperation and burning desire to impress sexually. Remember, you’ll be judged by how you dress. Keep it simple and comfortable. Reveal just enough.

@ScophineO

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