When should we resume sex after baby?

“After the birth of our first child, a year ago, my wife lost interest in sex, ten months later we have not yet had sex,” said John. “When we attempted to get intimate one month after delivery we were not successful apparently my wife found the experience painful and frustrating; she never responds, is cold and totally declines my advances. I am so stressed and this is affecting our relationship.”

There are many couples who are challenged as to how to reignite their sex life after childbirth and often I get the question, how soon should one engage in sex after childbirth? For many, it is a concern and can be a source of tension, worry and frustration. Some bounce back sooner than later while others take their time and find this matter challenging.

What is important is to understand the dos and don’ts and get your groove back without affecting the intimacy levels. It is important to recognise that “one size fits all” does not apply here, every woman is different, and their readiness will be dependent on their physical and psychological well-being amongst other factors, especially what they have heard from their peers which may not necessary be accurate, myths surrounding the same and general attitudes.

The general assumption is that sex should be licensed by the doctor or midwife after the six week’s routine gynaecology check-up. A survey on sex after childbirth reported that some couples do resume sex within the first week, while others resume between one to three months. Many wait for six months while others even a year later and beyond. There is no rule of the thumb here, it depends on individuals, their health status and what works best for them.

Health experts recommend having sex as soon as the bleeding has stopped, usually this happens with 14 days after childbirth, it can also continue for longer periods but wait until the bleeding stops. The uterus needs healing time and infection can easily occur during this time.

Some practical tips

• While waiting for full sexual expression, you can be sensuous, apply touch, a powerful language of love, and avoid penetration until total healing.

• Use lubricants available in the market. This is very helpful especially if you are experiencing virginal dryness, sensitivity or pain.

• Pelvic floor exercises are excellent, they strengthen the muscles and tone your virginal walls, check out postnatal exercises with your childbirth educator, midwife or doctor.

• Do not put too much pressure, go easy and if painful or sensitive give it time. If this continues, seek medical attention because it could be as a result of delivery complications or an infection.

• Timing for sex is important, choose the timing wisely, when baby is sleeping for a longer period, it helps not to be too exhausted so take time out to rest and rejuvenate.

• Eat well, drink lots of fluids and acknowledge childbirth is stressful to the body. Take care of yourself to recover total wellness and vibrancy.

• Psychological wellness is important, Read an inspirational book, and stay positive, watch out for postnatal stress and depression. If feeling moody, unhappy and crying constantly, speak to someone.

If sex continues to be painful or you continue bleeding a month later, it is important to seek medical attention. Create a loving, affirming and trusting relationship. Be open and involve your partner in the entire journey at every stage. Keep communication lines open. Be kind, considerate, respect and understanding. When your partner desires sex, remember they do not know how you are feeling so keep them in the loop, early enough. It helps to let your partner know that the demands of the baby and the effects of your physical and psychological well-being.

Seek to have a discussion with your childbirth educator together. Awareness is the heartbeat of therapy. Your partner will be supportive, caring and accommodative when he fully understands and feels valued. This is a season, ensure you apply wisdom to enrich your relationship and growth in intimacy.

The writer is a Relationship Coach and Author of “Marriage Built to Last.”

You can reach her on www.jenniekarina.co.ke