How do I tell my wife about my secret daughter?

Dear Anne

I had a brief fling with a young woman several years ago – and I’ve just found out that she had a baby, and it’s mine. The little girl is eight now, and I would love to get to know her. I’m her real dad, after all.

Both the mother and I are married to other people now, and I have two kids. She’s apologised for not telling me and says she’s now open to me getting to know her daughter.

I haven’t told my wife yet. Am I being selfish to pursue this?

Anne says:

You’re not being selfish, because this little girl has a right to know her biological father, but before you take another step you need to consider all the lives you’re going to affect and tread ever so carefully.

It’s all very well for your daughter’s mother to apologise to you – but her failure to tell you at the time has caused all sorts of extra problems. (Although she must have had her reasons and they, too, deserve understanding and compassion.)

For instance, how will her own husband feel about you coming into their lives? He may consider himself to be the girl’s father, and could feel terribly threatened by your sudden appearance.

Then there’s your own family – not just your wife but your other children as well.

Will they be happy to accept another child? After all, you must hope that one day there will be visits, parties, sleepovers…

I would hope that the answer to all of these questions would be yes.

I would also hope that your wife and both her and your parents would understand that you didn’t know you were already a father and that now you are doing the right thing by your child.

But some people take a long time to understand such family complexities.

That’s why you firstly need to fully understand your responsibility here to so many people.

Lastly, of course, there’s the little girl herself. Yes, of course she ought to get to know her biological father, but not in a way that will turn her present life upside down.

Instinct tells me that the first thing you need to do is enlist your wife’s support, calmly and gently.

She should be told what is going on anyway.

But if you “sell” her the idea carefully, she could be your tower of strength, and then together you can approach the little girl’s parents, and figure out a strategy.