Here’s how to have a ‘side dish’ affair and not get caught

I hear there is a motivational ‘preacher’ speaker who is going to be giving a big talk on ‘How to have an Affair.’

When did we get here? Back in the 90s, we had Bonke, telling us sweet things about Jesus. Even back in the ‘naughties’ we still had preachers who spoke of ‘How to Hold your Home’ together, but then the PEV happened and things went bonkers and wakina Kiuna preached prosperity and the Kanyaris started mixing Chemistry and CRE and the new decade went decadent and cheating students spoiled the sacred ‘A’.

Now in the middle of drought and doctors’ strikes, the new age evangelists can come to advise us on how to have an affair, and I’m sure the hall will be bum-packed with married Christian wives who aren’t too happy with their hubbies.

So, gentlemen, ‘Men Only’ has jumped on the bandwagon – and here is how to have an affair.

First of all, make sure you have secured an extra source of income because as you shall see shortly, affairs are, well, expensive. There is nothing more contemptible than the fellow who wants to ‘chew’ outside, but cannot afford to, and so reduces the family pie in order to indulge his mistress.

If you are the kind of man who had to beg for school fees to be deferred last month because you used your toi’s school money to take your side dish for a holiday in December, then Lord have mercy on you, because you are the man those boys are singing about, the one about to be struck by lightning!

Then familiarise yourself with ‘Googlemaps’ and such other ‘kujificha’ apparatus because affairs often dictate that you two hide yourselves in the wild or dingy dives, anonymous restaurants, hotels unknown, where nobody you know will run into you. And, still, sometimes they do.

I remember my fiancée and I being in this way out tiny sports pub with dim lights, and she ran into her very married workmate who was canoodling with a Ben Ten and the mutual embarrassment.

Then make sure your affair partner is on a league above your wife, because when push literally comes to shove – like your wife/girlfriend has caught up with you guys – you don’t watch her cheap weave and the word ‘ratchet’ being bandied about, homie. Your buddies, or those #TeamFisi watching the drama go down on TV should be able to say – ‘lakini, yenyewe, huo dame ni msupa’ or something to that effect. Then think always that technology is your enemy. You will have to learn to remember to delete, blot, erase, expunge, efface and obliterate everything ‘message’ from phones to Facebook, because these days it is technological fingerprints that lead to exposure of your affair, and the inevitable fallout.

Think of yourself like a murderer at a crime scene, where one forgotten fingerprint, a single drop of blood, can lead to DNA and your discovery. And what about those non-techno types who want to document their naked bodies but instead end up broadcasting their affair in pictures to the whole world through WhatsApp groups?

Then there is what you can call the shower and condom conundrum angle of affairs. Coming home smelling of soap at midnight, yet you are a construction site engineer, forgotten hotel receipts in the pocket, stray solitary condoms at the back of the car.

My friend Donald once went home drunk, straight from the motel and undressed in front of his woman, only to realise as she stared in sheer wonder at him that in the dark, he had put on his girlfriend’s underwear... all these things make having an affair a, well, rather delicate affair. And we haven’t even got into how you will juggle Valentine’s!

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