Shhh...take it easy babe, don’t wake the neighbours! .. or is she faking it again?

For long, most Kenyan men have been duped into believing that they are great lovers, just because their women make noise during throes of passion. In the heat of the moment, women do all sorts of crazy antics. Tales have been told of those who tear sheets, break wind, shed tears and speak in tongues! But as it turns out, and this is breaking news, most of these antics are stage-managed.

However, not all men fall hook, line, and sinker for the tricks. One such man is a certain Kevin. Tired of being taken for a ride and treated to fake moans and screams, a distraught Kevin sent this magazine’s agony aunt a letter, requesting for advice on how to nicely tell his new lover that he didn’t appreciate her fake groans and squeals.

“She screams and shouts my name when we are making love, but I can clearly tell she is feigning it because at times she does it even when I am merely ‘warming up’. But for fear of hurting her feelings, I play ball, but feel cheated. Is there a nice way I can put it to her that I know she is faking it?” the letter read in part.

This prompted us to nose around, have a quite word with women over this noisy matter and reach out to an expert for professional views. A spot check on randomly-selected women, some self-confessed sexually active, on why exactly they make noise during the act of the rod gave shocking revelations. What’s more, sorry men, most of the moaning has nothing to do with pleasure.

So never mind that neighbour who scandalises kids and the entire apartment block as he spanks his lover, yelling “Who is your daddy...who is your daddy...say my name” as she screams on top of her lungs. Again, gentlemen, if you are one of those men who brag in bars about how you make women scream your name during ‘gland-to-gland’ combats, think again.

Most of the women confessed that half the time, the noise has got nothing to do with them enjoying and they only scream to boost men’s self-esteem. Ouch! Agatha, one of the women interviewed, confessed to having once ripped apart a man’s bed sheets in faked moments of reckless abandon. She said the noise is about cheering on men.

“Men have egos that require constant stroking. So most of the time we moan and scream to turn them on. Most women, if they were to be real, will tell you they make noise to cover up for the fact that they never climax.” She adds that most men always fall for the trick, thinking that they have driven their lovers into ecstasy, when actually the opposite is the case. “Personally, when I am not enjoying it, I scream loudest to hurry things up for him to climax and leave me alone,” she giggles.

Ruth says, “In some cases, it’s all about pain and nothing to do with pleasure or the man doing a great job. Some men are very insensitive and always want to have their way regardless of the woman’s mood. The best foreplay they offer is spanking a woman.”

However, it seems the noise — fake or real — somehow excites some men and boosts their morale. Tim says if a woman doesn’t make any noise in bed, he gets demoralised and ends up giving a bad performance. “Lack of moans and screams always makes me feel like I am doing everything wrong and that she is not enjoying. I don’t care whether it’s fake or real; the noise works for me. It gives me psyche to go on,” chuckles Tim.

Susan, on the other hand, says if a man is good and does it properly, then the moaning is automatic. “When foreplay is tantalising and the man is good at it, you always find yourself moaning,” says Susan, adding: “Going silent is the worst thing a woman can do to a man. But at times, men leave us with no other option. When he is clumsy and all over the place like a pig, surely, what is a woman to do? Personally, I can’t pretend and make fake noises”.

Babu Wa Kasiaka, a relationship expert, sexologist and radio host at Radio Maisha says moaning is supposed to be a sign of pleasure. “Ideally, women moan to show their lovers that they are enjoying. Again, they know silence is a mood killer. So they do it to give their men confidence and encourage them to keep doing it,” Kasiaka says. He adds that some women moan when they are pretending to be experiencing orgasm, considering men erroneously associate the two (moaning and orgasm). “Actually, most women climax during foreplay and the moaning is only used to encourage men to give mind-blowing intimacy,” he adds.

He is, however, quick to warn that men must be very keen because some women scream for many other reasons. “There are women who make noise in bed, not because they are enjoying. To some women penetration invokes traumatic childhood memories such as rape. To others, it conjures up some of their greatest fears and anxieties such as pregnancy and childbirth,” Kasiaka warns.

Unfortunately, in most cases, especially in this hard economic times, the expert reveals, women moan to manipulate men to their (women’s) advantage. “Most women make fake noises during intimacy, especially those in ‘transactional relationships’.

When a woman wants to keep a rich man, she has to fake orgasms by screaming to make him think he is good in bed,” he says, adding: “To detect a fake moan, a man has to be keen. A real moan has to be rhythmic and in tandem with the stroking. If she moans only on occasions, like when promised money or a favour or when she’s in a hurry or unwell, then, she is faking it.

Anyway, ladies, go on and make some noise! But don’t wake the neighbours, pleaaase.