I do believe there are good Kenyan men out there. They are sweet creatures. Very adorable. You see them and your heart skips a beat, knees get weak, and you feel like instantly falling in love, marrying and living with them forever.
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However, a good Kenyan man is hard to find. Most have lowered the bar so much that women are left with nothing to choose from, hence the rampancy of single ladies.
Forget carelessly farting, the usual thinly-veiled misogynistic remarks they make about women, leaving the toilet seat up, there are things Kenyan men do that drive women crazy.
And not the nice “you drive me crazy” kind of way that Britney Spears sung about; they make you want to vanish and never see them again.
1. Clumsy wooing skills
Most Kenyan men just can’t woo a woman! Most get it all wrong from the onset. You meet a guy and as you familiarize and exchange pleasantries, he unashamedly stares at your breasts. However perky and tempting they may look, gentlemen, this is not the time to compliment them.
“Nice pair of mammary glands you got there.” Really? Like seriously? Who does that? Guys, what happened to locking eyes?
While at it, some of the stuff they say leave you wondering whether to close your eyes and cry or open your mouth and cry. They are so causal you would think you are talking about the weather.
Some, when they are not dangling car keys, they are bragging about this or that achievement, expecting women to fall for them. Gosh! Who still does that?
2. Itching to bed new catch soonest
Yes, Kenyan men are fast; they make great athletes, break world records and all that. But when it comes to dating, no woman wants to be rushed through the motions. We want to hear those a honey-coated lyrics.
A couple of dinner, movie and out of town dates before mentioning about getting between the sheets. Most men will meet you today, and just because they’ve bought you a bottle of beer, start itching to bed you —that very day.
The moment you accept his Facebook friend request, he starts bombarding you with messages. He compliments you, then immediately starts flirting and before you know it, he is asking for a romp. Geez!
You make the mistake of giving him your phone number, he can’t even call. The first thing you will see is a naughty WhatsApp chat, which is quickly followed by nude pictures or request to marry or have them a baby.
Listen guys, that one drink you bought her does not give you a through pass to talk dirty, touch her suggestively or take her home with you. Moving that fast is as annoying as a woman asking you for money or to pay her rent on the first date.
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3. ‘I will use Just the tip’ lie
As a woman, when you give a man a chance, you want time to study him. Get to know more about him before you get involved physically. But the impatient Kenyan guy will hear none of it. All your efforts to explain and plead about how you are not ready for a ‘gland-to-gland combat’ will fall on deaf ears.
He will insist and beg for ‘it’, and when you stick to your guns, he drops the bombshell: “Please, then, let me just use the tip”! Just the tip? Dude, get lost! Look here, the moment your ‘dudu’ gets in touch with my ‘passion pit’ we will be ‘playing the big game itself’.
Don’t even try to make it look like there is something such as ‘just using the tip’. You think we were born yesterday? We know that trick too well. Only fools fall for that ‘I will only use the tip’ nonsense. See, It’s not like the ‘bedroom marathon’ won’t happen, it will (heck, we also like it), but, for cry out loud, give us time.
Even when we give it up, please don’t be in a hurry to introduce to us those crazy styles. We know you have some weird fetishes you saw in a blue movie. But who told you we, too, don’t have? Save your acrobatics and those strange styles for another day, when we’ve gotten more comfortable with you.
I mean, which woman wants to be tossed and flipped around by her new catch as if she were a piece of meat on the roasting grill? And once you are done, please cuddle us and keep telling us those sweet nothings. Don’t roll over and start snoring like a tractor. That annoys us big time.
4. Angry because their women are on periods
We all like getting intimate. But for some strange reasons, men feel they have a right to have ‘it’ when they want ‘it’. When you tell them you are on your periods, most always sulk and get angry as if it were your fault.
Other doubting Thomases will push the joke far by insisting that they want to confirm. Look guys, don’t be mad as us. It’s not like we invented periods to annoy you, we are also pissed off by the fact that we have to bleed every now and then.
5. Stingy and tip poorly
Relationships are costly. Forget that “she is a gold digger” whine for a second. You sound like a broken record, anyway. You saw her across the room or street right? My friend, just like smelling nice, to stand out, you spend money.
Her trendy clothes, make-up, hair, shoes and accessories cost money. So what makes you imagine you can just date her while keeping your wallet firmly shut? Wake up! Nobody says you should take over all her responsibilities. Thing is, to get something you must give something.
You don’t care to know how she lives, can’t get her a cab or pick her for your dates, can’t gift her anything, grudgingly buy her two drinks every weekend, and you still get bitter when another worthwhile fella snatches her from right under your nose?
Even a blind man could have seen that coming. Only your mother can love you unconditionally, so don’t expect something for nothing. No such thing as free lunch, fellas! Also, please tip decently. If you don’t have money to tip waiters, don’t do it. When you tip poorly, you come off as a cheap guy. No woman wants to be seen with a cheap man.
6. Lack etiquette and never dress for occasions
This I shall keep brief. Kenyan women really try to be fashionable. Do the same. Make an effort at appearance. Looking like you dressed up in the dark won’t cut it. Groom and dress nice, especially for occasions.
I’m sick and tired of seeing grown men in pair of shorts while on dates and in jeans at weddings. Smell nice (pay special attention to oral hygiene). Take care of your bodies (and health). Style up. Keep the uncouth talk to when you are hanging out with your boys.
Compliment her without being overly sexual. “Ulala! Nice booty you got there”. Really? Negro please! Don’t be too loud. Don’t be a showoff or a braggart. Don’t badmouth your ex. Ladies love a man with some element of mystery, so always maintain your cool, gentlemen.
No need to announce why you are going to the gents. Excuse yourself and leave. Wash those hands after you are done.
Don’t insult or belittle the waiters, security guys, bouncers (that’s dangerous), and other road users. Don’t complain about the bill....or keep asking the prices of everything....or worse still try to reorganize the menu (if I don’t take the coleslaw, will it be cheaper?). That makes women nervous. And it’s just embarrassing.
7. Team mafisi, tone it down
These types of men are always ogling and simply cannot keep their zippers up. Every female has to be mounted at some point. No woman is safe from them. The house girl, neighbors’ pretty Form Three daughter, colleagues, clients, distant relatives...the list is endless.
They don’t even have a type. Anything in a skirt excites and fires up their loins. Tall, short, thin, plump, intelligent, dumb.....meat is meat, right? Age and marital status is never an issue. What is a woman to do with these types?
They have perfected the art of seduction and are extremely manipulative and deceitful. They relentlessly pursue their next conquest with any available resource they have.
Commitment to them is a mere suggestion, and is normally very fast in hiding behind their African traditions of polygamy. All of them cite King Solomon, King Mswati and Jacob Zuma are their preferred choice of role models.
8. Boys masquerading as men
We all want to drink from the fountain of youth. And am not against anyone doing all they can to maintain their youth. Mentality is a whole different ball game all together. Move out of home. Start life on your own.
There has to be some law for men who drive cars while still living at home. And no. you can’t move in with your brother. Start small. It’s better than being at your mama’s. We don’t care how big the house is. How lonely they will get.
Just move the hell out, for crying out loud! You now got a family (or baby mama). Limit your outings just a little. Boys night, reggae night, soul night, Masaku sevens weekend, rally, rugby, mashemeji derby, rhumba night or whichever other nights you imagine you will simply drop dead and die if you don’t attend.
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