Healing and finding closure after a breakup is one of the greatest dilemmas of relationships. So many people hurt, bleed and carry too much baggage. Whether or not the relationship needed to end or the agreement is mutual, it is not easy.
It is easier said than done, to get over your ex is not a quick fix process as many expect. It is generally complicated by the attachment and the intimacy levels shared between two love birds.
Many get extremely anxious, broken and bitter after a breakup, getting stuck in an emotional web. How long will I be hurting? Asked James, it is one year since we parted yet there is not a single day I don’t think about my Ex. I experience various emotions of guilt, anger, fear, frustration and resentment and feel miserable.
Several researchers on love and separation are of the view that the brain in love is wired for reward. The absence of the ex does not automatically remove the anticipated reward desire. The desire is not for the love, but for the ex, and as a result an individual experiences painful withdrawal, emotionally and in many cases physical manifestation of the pain becomes evident.
Here are five steps to overcoming a breakup and finding happiness again:
1. Acknowledge the reality
When confronted with the reality of a breakup, it is overwhelming and what is comfortable is to be in denial, a way of numbing the pain, surely this cannot be happening to me. It is a defense mechanism that buffers the pain.
It helps the individual from being overwhelmed by the reality of the loss and acts as a cushion and safety net, at this point, life makes little or no sense. Denial helps the individual pace their feelings of pain and frustration. Acknowledge what has happened and yes cry all you need to, it helps release the tension and move to the level of acceptance.
2. Assess the relationship
Many times, value is placed in a relationship that should have ended. The loss magnifies the partner’s value. It is helpful to be realistic and to assess the relationship, what worked what did not and what you liked most about your Ex.
Interestingly whenever we have had an assessment test with an Ex that is hurting, they end up wondering, why they had not ended the relationship earlier. Many times, before a relationship is over, it technically had ended long before but continued to hold on, hoping for a miracle. Assessing the relationship will help you in letting go faster in recognizing that your Ex did not deserve your love in the first place. Secondly, it will help you acknowledge your own weakness to avoid the same pitfalls in the next relationship. Whatever you do, don’t get into a rebound relationship before finding healing.
3. Rediscover your authentic self
Going through a breakup can rob an individual of their self-esteem and self-worth, it is important to take time to rediscover yourself after a breakup. Pamper yourself to a large extent and do things you have always wanted to do, travel, learn a new skill, find new networks.
Work out, and join a team that loves to work out and do outdoor activities. It is easy to slip into a depression when you stay isolated through the grief and loss period, it helps to be with others. Stay in touch with family for social support and do not hesitate to seek their indulgence whenever necessary.
4. Stop talking about your Ex
Whatever you do, don’t talk about your Ex to everyone willing to listen. The more you talk about it the harder it becomes to move towards your healing. If you need to process the pain, seek professional help this will help you debrief and make significant movement.
Talking about your ex keeps you captive, it is also not honorable, it attracts retaliation and it also hinders other good potential relationships that could come your way. Keep positive, your mind focused on things that are good, true, pure, lovely, honorable and of excellence.
5. Do not be too hard on yourself
Allow yourself to rediscover other people, do not stereotype and blanket all others. Treat every other relationship with a level of curiosity and caution, but avoid being judgmental and cynical. Let go, seek happiness in everything that you do. Be grateful for the small things in life, continually having an attitude of gratitude will attract peace and sound relationships.
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