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Not every 'bedding' ends up in a wedding

Social Scene By Tony Mochama

Beryl, who really ought to be called ‘The Peril,’ seems to know a lot about ‘badminton’ and ‘bedminton’ and everything bad and bawdy in between (both, by the way, are games that utilise a shuttlecock).

Last Saturday, she said my bed is a broadcaster, but that is but badinage – playful ridicule – on her part.

The backstabber, this after I’d invited her downstairs (alongside my editors, for purposes of safety) to quaff on ‘Four Cousins’ wine (which she, Mama Sori, swore tasted like a local busaa version ‘manufactured’ by her cousins in the Wanga land).

Anyway, last week, she compared Spencer the Sponsor to the citizens of Sodom in the Bible. She also said the young men who ‘feast’ in their absence, nowadays called #TIBIM Ben Tens, are resident evils no different than the denizens of Gomorrah.

I sure hope she won’t take sweet Sori to the same sorry person who taught her Sunday school.

From what I recall from my Sunday school sermons, Sodom was full of sodomites who wanted to ‘sleep’ with two male angels. (To subdue their gay heat, a man called Lot offered them his two daughters instead; no wonder the Lord turned his wife into a pillar of salt). Sponsors are salty older men, just looking to add a little spice to life.

As for ‘Ben Tens,’ they are not like the young men of Gomorrah (who, my Sunday school teacher told us, all suffered from ‘kaswende’ or gonorrhea).

Anyway! Because Spencer the sponsor usually has a wife and a kid/s, celebrates ‘Father’s Day’ and all other holidays with his family, and only pops in to see the young lady he is paying rent for once or twice a week, she gets a ‘Ben Ten,’ usually a younger ‘lucky’ fellow from the neighbourhood.

The excuse she gives at this time of year is that ‘it is very cold’, na ‘kila mtu anaitaji jiko.’ I saw a report from the Met department saying it is going to stay cold till the end of August, so go ahead – get a ‘Ben Ten’ and bin him when September begins, like the song says.

But I believe the real reason a sponsored woman whose rent in a flat/apartment will be fully paid, July to September, by a kind sponsor will still get a Ben Ten is not because her bed is cold, but to take revenge on Spencer.

Yes, even though they are taking his money, many of these women get to resent the amount of time (and even money) the man is spending on his real family. If he tells her, or she sees on #Twitter, that he went with his wife to Mombasa this weekend, trust me, she will pester the feller to take her to Malindi. ‘Before August!’ And it is not a request, it is a threat, because all women in the end get to that point of ‘or else.’

Back to bed and butter issues (and please remember my wise words, ‘not every bedding, ends in a wedding’), here is a limerick we made up that will put a smile on your face, although we cannot guarantee a spring in your step, signorina. Think squeaky bed springs as you read it.

“A bad Campus lad called Bedan, took a fresher called Gwendolyn to bedding/gasped she: ‘Oh, Bedan, you swore it would be heaven, and now I can hear the angel’s harps are a-ringing.’”

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