Dear Coleen: My girlfriend has no sex drive after 10 months

Dear Coleen

My girlfriend and I have been together for about 10 months now and so far we haven’t had sex yet. We have discussed this and, at first, she said she did want to have sex with me, but was worried that it would end up like her previous disastrous relationships.

Now, after a few months, her sex drive has completely dried up. She knows the situation is getting me down and says she’s sorry, but she doesn’t make any effort to try to fix things. She just keeps telling me that it’ll happen soon.

I don’t know what to do because I love her to bits, but it’s affecting my happiness. I probably should just call it a day, but I don’t want to do that.

Coleen says

I know you don’t want that, but do you want a life without sexual intimacy? It sounds like she has issues around sex that she needs to deal with, but just blaming it on past relationships is vague. Has she been specific with you? If not, she should be.

If she’s hoping for a future with you, she needs to open up to you because it’s not a situation that can carry on indefinitely. Part of the difficulty might be that now sex (or lack of it) is perceived as a ‘problem’ – it won’t happen naturally. It’s become the elephant in the room.

I think the only way forward is to have an in-depth discussion of what exactly happened in her past relationships that has made her reluctant to have sex or even afraid of it, and what you can do to calm those worries.

Then maybe agree not to talk about it for a while and see if things can progress naturally in the bedroom.

You don’t have to threaten her with ending the relationship or give her an ultimatum, but you can be honest. Make it clear that while you love her and want to be with her, you can’t be with someone long-term where sex isn’t part of the relationship.