We have lusted after each other for 10 years - but he is a married man

Dear Coleen

I’ve known this man for many years – we used to work together and even went to college together. And since then we have crossed paths on many occasions.

He is married with several children and I am single.

The problem is, we are lusting after one another and it has been like this for a very long time.

In terms of being physical with each other, we have only ever hugged.

I feel the situation is in danger of getting out of control emotionally because he genuinely cares for me and I do him.

It’s not just about lust any more.

I actually took the drastic step of moving away from home and got a new job just to put some distance between us, but it didn’t work.

I find it amazing that we have such strong feelings for each other when we have never had sex.

I’m confused – is this just lust or something deeper?

Ten years is a long time to have such strong feelings for a person. The way we feel about each other has never changed in all that time.

Please help.

Coleen says

It all sounds very romantic but I honestly think that’s all it is – a romantic notion.

If you did decide to be together and he left his wife and kids devastated, all of a sudden it’s not as romantic or exciting.

Right now he can see you whenever he wants to flirt and there’s all that sexual tension going on, but you’re not washing his undies.

It’s not real life.

Think this through very carefully because, in the majority of cases, this kind of thing leaves only heartache and destruction in its wake.

You need to think about yourself too. Who’s to say that if you did get together that he wouldn’t go back to his wife after six months?

All this unrequited love is stopping you from meeting someone who is free to date you and that you have a long-term future with.

I know you tried to start a new life but you’ve clearly kept in touch.

I honestly don’t think he is serious about your “romance”. I think he enjoys the flirting and likes to know there’s someone out there who’s interested in him, but he can still go home to the security of his wife and family.

Trust me, if he really wanted to be with you he’d have left his wife at some point during those 10 years.