Think twice before spying on your spouse

Constantly checking your partner’s phone and sometimes even going as far as accusing them of doing something behind your back hurts you, your partner and the relationship. Even if you don’t share your suspicions but carry them inside, it will still hurt. And, as with all hidden negative emotions, it comes out in the worst ways, at the wrong time, to the wrong person, and in the wrong place.

I wonder what people are doing in their relationships if they have to go down this road. Isn’t a relationship supposed to make one happy and fulfilled, to feel loved and cared for? isn’t it also about returning that love? Aren’t relationships about increasing one’s sense of security?

So when we fall into doubt and install spyware on their phone, trace their every movement, and violate their privacy, what are we actually up to? It’s a sign that we have a problem in the relationship.

Fine, it is true that partners cheat and that affects the relationships. It is also true that since no one is perfect, we will hear or suspect and, sometimes, even confirm some suspicions. However, in choosing to snoop, we are giving this person power over us. Power to hold us to ransom in the prison of our self doubts and insecurities. As Eleanor Roosevelt said,” no-one can make us feel inferior without our consent”.

It is, therefore, up to us to decide to rise above the meager existence of being a victim of spying and constantly checking up, and giving up our time and energy to the negativity of living in suspicion.

We need to train ourselves to do things differently. I suspect that we will, sometimes, need to laugh and play when things don’t go well. Even if it is relationship that is very important to us since it is not the end of the world. No one can guarantee that a cheating partner means that life is over. Even if you are “sharing” him with what seems to be a million others.

Furthermore, when we are stuck in the cycle of despair, wondering beating ourselves up for what mistakes we may be making, we are just stuck and going nowhere. All this for a guy! Or your soul-mate or whatever you call your partner; as if there is only one person in the world that you are able to share love with.

It might be realistic to expect that he isn’t perfect and might step out every so often. In the same token, you should subject him to higher standards than that - monogamy, faithfulness, exclusivity and trust - but maybe also plan on how to live if you ever discover that he is not that.

In other words, take reasonable precautions remembering that while relationships involve work, your job is not to get lost in your partner and make him that centre of your world. Doing this is not practical, in the long run it can lead to you being taken for granted.

The alternative might be to keep off certain things, his phone, computer and just train yourself to trust. Make it a habit as hard as it might be. If your trust issues continue to bother you, then it could mean you have deeper issues that require counseling. Alternatively, you can choose to leave, or talk about it with him.