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Abstinence may be old fashioned but relevant


A few months ago when conducting a pre-marital counselling session, two love birds in their late 20s expressed the desire to move their relationship a notch higher.

After three months of dating, they felt secure enough in each other to engage in pre-marital sex. As a Christian counsellor, you know what my answer was - No. Sex is the gift you keep unwrapped until the day you say ‘I do’

So is it possible to abstain in dating or courtship without engaging into pre-marital sex? What if I lose my partner to someone else ready to engage in it?

I believe the dilemma these two love birds have is shared by many in serious relationships today. The pressure to have sex even on the first date is real. Nevertheless, a man should love you for who you are; not just because you look hot.

False start

Pre-marital sex or otherwise does not provide the glue to committed life relationships. It complicates break ups and may trigger many false starts in subsequent relationships.

Nowadays, the thing that God designed to bring fulfilment and oneness in the confines of marriage has become the source of many relationship wounds, tears and misconceptions.

While conducting a purity programme for young women aged 15-24 dubbed ‘Sold Out’, my position as a counsellor is if sex before marriage happens, there is a likelihood the man will lose the momentum to chase after you.

The only way to keep him interested would then to have more and more of it. You get to a place where sex is not enough, leading to disinterest or even break up. You choose the easy way when you engage in sex as a way of making up against the hard part of facing issues, talking it out and so forth that can mature you in the relationship.

If you want to walk that aisle unspotted, you need to avoid compromising situations and triggers that evoke strong passions. Eros love gone wrong can be a source of hurt, but if sex is not involved, you can walk away with your pride intact.

Relationship ghosts that come to haunt couples in marriage is sex in previous relationships. Unfortunately, if your current spouse does not meet your threshold, you could be having nostalgia of some good experience somewhere. If you are married today, you will need to commit to be faithful no matter what and seek accountability to overcome your past.

I advise couples not to have sex before marriage. After marriage, the opposite happens; I find myself imploring them not to forsake matrimonial duties due to familiarity, parenting drama, fatigue or indifference.

 Good foundation

So, if you start having it now, imagine walking down the aisle and then facing the challenge of early parenthood at a time when you are supposed to enjoy your honeymoon. On the contrary, imagine walking down the aisle and then exploring your richest fantasies with your newly wed.

No matter how old fashioned it sounds, abstinence is a good foundation for your relationship. Delayed gratification nurtures the sense of adventure in your relationship leading up to marriage. The Bible says Marriage is Holy and the bed undefiled.

Sheila Wachira is an author and a marriage and relationships counsellor; Email: [email protected]

Photo: huffingpost.com


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