Valentine’s Day and the big O: It’s time to address how you have been having intercourse

Dear Eve,

I am 22 years old and my girlfriend has being complaining of not being satisfied during sex. This calls for her to find bold men or boys who can satisfy her. She claims my penis size is small and I spend less time in sex. Please advise me.

Jos

Dear Jos,

I’m sorry to hear what you’re reporting but I am happy that you shared your problem with me. With Valentine’s Day – the day of love – just around the corner, I would like to address the context within which you have been having sex i.e. your relationship with yourself and with your girlfriend.

I notice that you call her your girlfriend, meaning she is a woman with whom you are having a romantic and sexual relationship. It’s disappointing that her solution to an unhappy sexual experience with you is to seek out “bold men or boys” who can satisfy her. I suspect she will soon discover that this is a losing strategy because there will always be a point of unhappiness no matter who we partner with; running off to different men to resolve a problem is not a sustainable intervention. All the same, this is about you so let us focus on you, shall we?

Measurements don’t matter

The size of your penis is irrelevant in the grand scheme of things, in the sense that it is the size that it is; it is the body that you have, and there is nothing wrong with it. It is up to you to own it, accept it and love it. It is also up to anyone who wants to be with you and remain in your life to accept it or release you to find someone who will.

I know it sounds like “easier said than done” but that is the bottom-line truth. The size is also of no consequence because there are countless ways to satisfy your female partner but they require a big dose of self love, self confidence and the self esteem to know that our bodies are not mistakes and that when it comes to sex, size really doesn’t matter.

Even if the size of your penis bothers you or your partner, please begin to believe and act out the belief that no one – and I do mean no one, including you – is allowed to denigrate you or your body. Eliminate from your mind the idea that a small penis makes you fair game for ridicule or disrespect. I am concerned about a relationship in which you are not only ridiculed for your sexual anatomy but also openly taunted with the idea of your girlfriend having sex with other men.

Guard your heart

Jos, how is it that this has been acceptable to you in this relationship? I hope you experience the sort of self-love and acceptance that disallows this kind of behavior. Moving forward, guard yourself - and your penis - from toxic people.

Spending “less time in sex” may be a fair point, in the sense that it could be useful feedback. If the issue is your inability to have sex for a long period of time, I encourage you to give attention to your physical health.

Sex is a form of physical exercise so it can be demanding on your entire body. It is therefore imperative that you take care of your body; lose weight if you are overweight, watch your diet, choose movement over a sedentary lifestyle, cut down on alcohol, cigarettes or other recreational drugs; better yet, cut them out all together.

Take your time

If the issue is about foreplay, this is a problem with a solution. Take time to woo her even with her clothes on. Take your time when it comes to love making, meaning that you take the long road to your final destination. Remember penetrative sex on its own may not last long but if you take the scenic route (kissing, caressing, etc) you will both enjoy the process and almost by default, the destination. Relax and enjoy the ride.

I hope these brief points act as a starting point for you moving forward so you can confidently enjoy sex with a partner who will be invested in enjoying sex with you.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Maggie Gitu holds an MA in Marriage and Family Therapy. She practices as a Marriage, Family and Sex Therapist. Reach her at [email protected] or via her Facebook page: Maggie Gitu.