Hubby denied me sex so I went to another man

We have been using natural family planning methods which worked for a while but then I conceived our third child. My husband panicked and he opted to avoid sex rather than put me on any family planning method. I sometimes thought he wasn’t attracted to me anymore over time even my self esteem went down. I reconnected with this good friend of mine and shared with him the things I was going through. Over time, I developed feelings for him and we even got intimate. I felt bad about this and blame myself for being weak and unable to control myself but I also blame my husband for leading me to other men. My husband now knows about this and we have had really fought because of this. I am now in love with this guy but then again, I don’t want to break my family. Please advise me on what I can do about this... {Rose}

Your Take:

You will just have to be honest with your husband, own up, apologize and share your frustrations with him. If this is not possible, use his closest friend as a mediator. The dangerous thing with old flames is that they may be deceptively warmer and have you drift farther and farther away. You must end this immediately. There is the real prospect of death in the relationship.

{Tasma Charles}

Family planning research has tended to assume women’s primacy as decision makers regarding contraceptive method choice, although male prerogative and control are receiving increasing attention. Better decision making about available family planning methods requires a complete understanding of each others’ needs as well as fears. Talk to him and make him understand your needs. You need your husband as much as he needs you. Be careful not to bruise his ego but talk to him often.

{Andrew Didy Chaplin}

He may be afraid of additional responsibility because he is the provider so you may understand him from that perspective. In fact, your husband should divorce you immediately unless you end your promiscuous lifestyle. You can’t be in love with two men at the same time so be sober on what you want. If you are not careful then you are soon losing both. The choice is yours, but be sober and tread carefully.

{Ouma Ragumo}

The best thing you could have done is to walk into a family planning clinic and explain your case of not wanting to give birth for a period of time. Looking for sex outside your marriage is actually fornication and an act of adultery. Stop those immoral habits and repent to God and to your husband and your sins will be forgiven.

 If you continue with this your husband may divorce you leaving you desperate and worse off that you already are. It is always better the devil you know than the angel you do not know. Lastly, did you get to know the HIV status of this man you are having affair with or his marital status? Are you the only woman in his life? These are questions you need to have answers to but above all make the right decision pertaining to your marriage.

{Onyango Outha}

Counselor’s Take:

Many times, and especially when things go bad in our lives, we tend to blame everything and everyone else a part from the person who is actually entirely responsible for the mess. This is common in business, at work, on the road (it’s the other driver’s fault) in every aspect of our lives but it is in relationships that this becomes clear.

In this matter, you are quick to point out how your husband decision to do away with sex led to you having a low self-esteem leading you to your long time friend e.t.c. However, in that clear description about how this is entirely his fault, you did not mention any action you took to try and correct the situation.

Did you for instance let him know that you were feeling unattractive and sexually starved? Did you at any one time propose a safer family planning method that you would both be comfortable with? For all that has happened, you bear the greatest responsibility because you knew the problem and did nothing to try and solve it.

Nonetheless, despite all that has happened we need to appreciate that current situation and ask ourselves how we can address it going forward. First, I may confirm to you that you are not in love with the other guy – only attracted to him. It is time you realized that he is only important to you as long as he is stepping in where your husband falls short. Second you don’t solve a problem by creating other even bigger problem. You ought to confront this issue and come clean to your husband.

Confession neutralizes the situation and provides a platform for people to move on. You also need to have a conversation with your husband about sex and get a solution that both of you can live with.

In many instances you may have to get on to a plan or settle for the conventional “protected sex”. This is if he is only scared about children and there is no other underlying problem. Then accept that essentially you are the one who went to this other men, he did not lead you there. This is part of the healing process to the relationship and from acceptance you will be able to make better decisions in future. {Taurus}