What to do when his friends are extra baggage

A woman wrote to me complaining that her husband has friends that she cannot stand. He spends a lot of time with them and they influence a lot of his decisions.

Although they have had several ‘discussions’ and disagreements over this, nothing ever changed.

At one time, she even left for her parents’ house. She wanted to know how to get her husband to change.

The truth is, there’s more to this than just the issue of her spouse’s friends.

It can be said that there are the reasons and the specifics of why her husband’s friends influence him and why she can’t stand them.

If this were the case, then their discussions and disagreements on this matter should include their mutual need for quality time as partners and with the family and the man’s need for quality time with his friends.

Giving him ultimatums and closed ended demands might make him feel trapped and manipulated and less likely to cooperate with her, something she doesn’t want to happen since she wants her man to be less influenced negatively by his friends.

In doing that — demanding he ditch his friends — she might unwittingly push him to them and to their undesirable influence. She wants him to have the best possible life and he likely wants that for her too.

Remember that life involves making mistakes and to our partners giving us the time and space to learn and grow from these mistakes.

So finding a way to make healthier boundaries and to make communication more effective might be a better way to go for this couple than throwing tantrums and sulking and cold shoulders and the like.

This is always tricky because we sometimes think that our guys Friends and outside interests are important to a married couple since they provide a sense of renewal to the partnership but obviously not at the expense of the marriage itself or if it brings up intense conflict.

When a man marries and leaves his bachelor friends behind. Interfering friends (although not in the best way) have trouble with the fact that their friend is no longer a part of their lives and they are threatened by this hence they’re exerting a strange, strong hold over him.

If your husband is in this situation, showing hatred for his friends is not helpful because cutting them off might leave him completely socially isolated.

Give your husband time for them and also take time out for yourself with your girls.

However, always make it clear that decisions about your family life cannot, for obvious reasons, be decided by others outside and then brought home for you to follow to the letter.

He can and probably should ask for others’ input when it comes to making decisions.

But both of you need to realize that creating feelings of marginalization by any one partner in the marriage makes for a partner who feels like a third wheel; one about to break right off leaving the marriage with no wheels to travel on... And we all know where a bicycle with no wheels goes!