I am 37 and have been married for 13 years. However, my husband never gives me money or buys me anything always saying that I am also employed and that I earn my own money. The only thing he does is to pay school fees for the children while I take care of all the other needs such as food, house help all the other bills. What is even more disturbing for me is that he is extremely generous to his siblings always giving them money and buying them things. Whenever I ask about this he condemns me harshly sometimes even in their presence often painting me as a black sheep. Does it mean that married women who are employed are never given money by their husbands? Could this be an indication that he does not love me? I need your guidance...
{Triza}
What the readers say:
So you have been married for 13 years but you still imagine your husband does not love you? Why do you still have this dependency syndrome and yet you are employed? You are even lucky that he pays school fees and supports relatives. There are men who do nothing so appreciate the little he does.
{Aseri Dick}
One of the greatest evils in a marriage is money and money should not be the determinant of whether one loves the other or not. What is important is for the parties to understand each other with regard to the domestic needs. If this has gone on for 13 years why is it a problem now? To avoid further conflict sit down with him and discuss probably about opening a joint account to control your income and expenditure jointly with mutual agreement.
{Onyango Outha}
Anyone in your shoes will feel so if not worse. However family responsibility is collective. Get the man at his best moods and share with him your feelings. Thank him for his lesson because now you know how it feels when everything is left to the man.
{Tasma Saka}
Discuss this with him and be open about everything and especially how you feel. He may be using a lot of money in his dealings unlike you. Maybe all your expenses added may be less than his if compared. Should your expenditure be more than his then take time and talk about it.
{Ouma Ragumo}
Simon says:
This is a fairly complex issue as it involves a mix of several things. One, is that giving (even in marriage) is really a personal matter and while there are several expectations in society such as the man is the provider of the home e.t.c. it remains to be a personal choice. Two, people always have their reasons for giving, not giving, who to give and what to give thus a common judgement may not be applied for all cases. Three, you gave us broad statements about how he only pays school fees and you take care of everything else leaving out specific information such as how much school fees is and how much everything else costs; essentially these costs are relative and four, we don't know what arrangement you both had when you decided who should take care of what.
That said, I understand your predicament and have an idea about what you must be feeling. You are probably feeling unappreciated and somewhat taken for granted by the fact that he apparently "does not buy you anything or give you any money" despite him being generous to his siblings. I am being careful not to appear to be justifying his behaviour as it does not seem right but sometimes it helps to look on both sides before making a judgement. Sometimes men look at things based on several other factors such as the levels, nature and urgency of the needs. As such, he may then be acting based on his judgement on these and not with any intended malice or contempt.
Lastly, I would ask if you have made any attempts to talk to him and more so to tell him how you feel about all these. I encourage you to share your feelings with him and hear what he would have to say about the giving. I emphasised this because we have to separate issues; the giving or not giving is a personal choice but condemning you harshly even in front of his siblings is not right. However, you may also want to ask why he does this even in front of them. Also reflect even on the way you approach him do you approach him in their presence?
Simon is a relationships counsellor who helps couples face the truth and find reasonable solutions for their problems
Boke says:
Dear Triza,
Finances can be a very sensitive matter in marriage. Researchers have ranked money issues as a top cause of conflicts and even divorce.
The conflicts surrounding money are not about money per se. Money reveals a lot about our personality, character and values. Broadly divided, some people are spenders while others are savers. You sound to me like a saver.
We must admit that financial prudence is not one of the skills we easily learn from our surrounding or upbringing neither is it taught in our schools. Consequently, finance in marriage is the least discussed topic before marriage by the couple or even during premaritual counselling. Therefore, people get into marriage ill equipped to deal with money matters.
All is not lost though, find a way of getting both of you to hold an honest conversation about your finances. That might require a series of meeting but do not give up. Get to know each other's financial position. Both income and expenditures. The expenditures should include the various commitments to the extended family. When facts are clear, expectations are adjusted accordingly.
This being union, you can only pull in one direction. You could choose to have a joint expenditure account where both of you contribute towards or give an agreed percentage towards your budget. Better still you could come up with your own tailor made plan that will be a win-win for all.