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Hi Chris,
My boyfriend and I have been together for a year, and I am beginning to think he might be the one. But he says he would rather we just live together whenever I mention marriage.
I would like to be together of course, but wonder why he is unwilling to get married.
What do you think?
Reluctant
Chris says,
Hi, Reluctant!
Lots of people do cohabit these days, but it is bad news if your boyfriend is reluctant to talk about getting married and wants you to just live together instead. Because wanting to cohabit often goes along with not being fully committed.
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Living together as a conscious step on the way to getting married is another matter because couples who cohabit for a while before the wedding are just as successful as couples who do not. Not that they are necessarily any better prepared though! People imagine that living together will help make sure you are compatible.
But it does not because the skills you develop while living together are never quite the same as the ones you will need once you are wed. A subtle psychological shift occurs as people get married, reshaping their expectations and raising all sorts of emotional issues.
Even couples who have lived together for years find themselves completely unprepared for these changes, which is why couples who cohabited often complain that things got more difficult when they got married.
So you should spend some time discussing why your boyfriend wants you to cohabit. It may be that he is just scared of all the hullabaloo of a wedding, for example. Or suddenly having 'in-laws'. Give him a little time to get his head around those issues and he will be fine.
But if you sense that the real reason he wants to cohabit is that he is unwilling to make a firm commitment to you or anyone else for that matter, then you have got a more serious problem. Because some men just do not like giving up the free and easy single life.
Talk all that through. And be prepared to walk away, if you realise you are with a man who would rather stay a bachelor.
All the best,
Chris
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