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Home / Relationships

5 things couples go through in January

By BERYL ITINDI | 4 years ago | 4 min read

A good morning to all couples in the house. If you pulled through to this week without a single disagreement, you qualify to change your profession to a marriage counsellor.

You know during this month, people are always quick to pick a fight with anyone around them, this mostly being the aftermath of the celebrations in December.

Sulky wife-to-be: This is the time when the loving woman you took home for introduction last month will sulk in the house all through complaining her head off and claiming you never gave her all the attention while home. She will blame you for spending most of your time with ‘the boys’ leaving her to sit under the mango tree with your cousins. Any time she remembers how you drove her into co-sleeping with your cousins after you went for a night out, she will sneer from here to Limpopo. This month, wives and girlfriends will be so irritable that yawning next to them can warrant you a break up as they claim you were planning to swallow them.

Mean man of the house: Husbands and boyfriends too are this time on the edge waiting for any slight provocation. If he brings home vegetables and you dare mention beef, you risk being removed as a next of kin from all his official documents. Try getting sick and you will be blamed for wasting your medical cover so early in the year - as if they have big plans for that cover later on, probably like using it to settle your dowry which in most cases is in arrears. The anger that people carry with them after a string of celebrations in December is out of this world! This is the time when you are not sure if visiting your fiancée in her house is the right thing to do, lest she starts raising alarm that you are breaking into it.

Hormonal mama: Woe unto you if you fed on the forbidden fruit over the festive season and the results are beginning to wave at you from a distance. There is nothing as horrible as suffering from morning sickness in January with all the edgy people walking around. I am talking from experience. Even the Mama Mboga who always gave you a high five in December will pretend that she is on a call the moment she spots you from a distance. Woe unto you if you were unlucky enough to share that forbidden fruit with a modern Zinjathropus. Anytime you throw up, he will be right there beside you, not holding you or encouraging you but cursing at how much you are wasting food by throwing up in January.

Army General husband: The number of imps walking around this month within our marriages is enough to make an evil army fully equipped with a commander-in-chief. If your mother-in-law gifted you with a chicken as you left the rural place, don’t dare slaughter it without a written approval signed and stamped by your husband. Otherwise be prepared for a court session with frustrated judges and an eager audience. That’s the time he will claim he was planning to start chicken farming by rearing that one old chicken you carried from home. I do not even envy you if it is a cock you carried along. Anytime it craws at dawn, you will be reminded of how hard the wives at home are already working at that hour while you are still catching some beauty sleep.

Resolution Rachel: Dearest husbands, if your partners all of a sudden start using make-up this month, don’t be worried about her trying to get attention elsewhere. There is no feeling as soothing as concealing one’s appearance during this tough month. The make-up is to confuse and scatter the enemies of progress, not attract another man. If anything, anyone who claims to fall in love with you in January probably has you listed somewhere as their New Year resolution, most likely the first resolution, my fellow singles, resist!

Now back to those who have not crossed each other since the year began. If you are not going to become marriage counsellors, then at least write a book on how we can survive in these tough times. Sharing is caring, I can already smell your Valentine gifts miles away!

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