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The first time Debra heard it, she thought she had imagined the whole thing. Did her husband moan another woman’s name during their lovemaking? Part of her was convinced Tony had called her Becky.
Another part of her was not sure. Her situation was made more difficult because they actually had a very happy marriage. Communication was good. Tony had never given her reason to doubt his faithfulness to her.
Debra was tempted to bring it up with her husband just to clear the air, but she did not know how to ease the topic into their conversation. In time, her concerns wore off and she concluded that her ears had played tricks on her.
But her peace did not last long. Shortly after she dismissed the whole thing, it happened again. Tony blurted out the name Becky during their lovemaking. This time, she was sure and confronted him. Instead of denying it, he fell silent. Debra waited patiently, but her heart and mind were in turmoil. Finally, he spoke.
Tony reassured Debra he had no desire to be with anybody else and that he loved her. However, he did confess that, one day, he had accidentally clicked on a Web link that led to a porn site.
After that incident, he visited it several more times in the course of two weeks. Because his own guilt had eaten at him, he finally decided to stop. He never went back to the site again.
Just the same, the damage had obviously been done. Tony developed sexual fantasies that found their way into intimate moments with his wife.
For a while, he persuaded himself that they were harmless because they involved a complete stranger. If anything, they seemed to enhance his sexual experience, but deep down in his heart, he knew that they could—and did—hurt Debra.
The truth about porn
Who would have ever thought that porn would come this far today? Years ago, when I was growing up, it was something available only in magazines. Nowadays, you can visit thousands of websites and watch hours of porn videos
Many people develop porn addiction and close interest in their own sexual relationships. Like online gambling, porn addiction is easy to fall into because it takes only the click of a button to immerse yourself in seductive images.
Because of its availability and accessibility—in the comfort of your own private space and via this generation’s ubiquitous gadget, the mobile phone—it is all the more devastating to individual lives and relationships.
How can you tell if you or your spouse is addicted to porn? If you view it for hours and feel powerless to stop. If it affects your work, social life, sleep, or concentration. If you feel it controls you. Porn blunts your senses and leaves you unable to focus on anything else. It can also leave you feeling disgusted with yourself. Excessive porn viewing steals time away from real life and potentially productive projects.
If porn addiction is a problem in your marriage, the best way to address it is to understand how it begins and grows. Below are the five stages of porn addiction:
1. Early Exposure. Most porn addicts are exposed to the material while still young. Their youthful curiosity keeps them glued to sex.
2. Addiction. In time, curiosity becomes an addiction they cannot control. They find themselves going back to porn repeatedly. It becomes a part of their lives. At this point, they are hooked and cannot pull away from its allure.
3. Escalation. As the addiction progresses, their desire for porn escalates. They start to look for more graphic sex videos and images, which they used to shun and be disgusted at in the beginning. Previously loathed materials become exciting and thrilling to them.
4. Desensitization. Eventually, porn addicts start to become numb even to the most explicit porn they could get their hands on. Nothing stimulates them any more. The desire for the thrill is as strong as before, but they cannot find anything to satisfy their lust.
5. Acting Out Sexually. They take the images from screen and paper to their real-world experiences. They desire to enact what is presented in those media.
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