I met this beautiful, intelligent and caring woman two months ago. I must admit we talk a lot. She is different from all the women I have dated before. She says I am a great man and pours out many compliments. The problem is that she sees me as a friend, but I have developed feelings of love for her. What can I do to make her love me and how long must I wait before opening up to her? I feel that she is the woman of my dreams and, if things work out, I intend to marry her. Please guide me through this.
What the readers say:
You have known each other for too short a time to make conclusions. It is equally possible that you are the sort of man who, from a few lines of praise poetry, will lose his head into dancing naked. Put all the compliments aside and view her character independently; she may not be as good or could even be better. Disappear from her for some time and find out if it still sounds the same. If it does, then be around for a little longer and see if it gets better. Else, if you are such a 'great' man as you say she views you, why is she hesitant to get closer?
Alvin, the beginning of something really defines the course it takes. You must have started things platonically, so she too decided and sink it into her mind, I mean you plainly told her that it was brotherly love. Why the change of mind? Yes you are both sailing in a night time canoe. You have feelings for each other from your explanations, unless you are not exhaustively telling us exact things on the ground. I tend to think that the lady is waiting for you to start things off. Tell her boldly that you have some strong feelings for her. Get her side of the story. If she rejects this then either 'mwanaume ni effort' or just remain friends as you develop and grow feelings elsewhere. Do not rush things and maybe start mentioning how you want to settle down, it will not go well. If she has feelings for you then things will just automatically unfold. You will put in very minimal effort towards achieving this life achieving dream. Be yourself and categorically state your points clearly!
Take this woman out somewhere nice and pour your heart to her. You could also look for her close friends and pass your message to her and tell her your mind to ease the way a little. Or text her and wait for her reply (she may be thinking the same as you but she too is afraid). Remember men should take the lead. Or introduce her to your friends and close family members then tell her that you're serious about her and that's why you did it.
What a blessing that you have found someone you really like and you are already thinking of commitment. Not many people can get to that resolve this fast, not because they do not want to commit but because they have not found that person. However, this feeling must be mutual for this to work. In addition, you have known her for a short time and it will be prudent to take your time.
This time that you are just friends is the best time to know her true colours. Friends tend to be more real as opposed to lovers. Make the most of this time and learn as much as you can about her. Learn about her value system and see if it is closer to yours. You probably may change your perspective.
I hope you do not expect her to read your mind and intentions. You've got to let her know what you feel towards her.
Now that you people are already friends, I believe it will be easier for you as opposed to if you were strangers. I must mention that some individuals are just meant to be friends and nothing more than that. But first things first. Talk to her. Let her know what you feel about her. It should not surprise you that she probably feels the same about you, but you can only get to know this after you tell her.
Nevertheless give her the freedom to decide. At the same time be ready for whatever answer she will give. Whatever the response endeavour to maintain the friendship. Am sure you know by now that good friends are not easy to come by.
Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology and loves to share her knowledge in matters of life and relationship
Alvin, Alvin, Alvin. I don't know how young you are but you seem to be in the learning phase of the field of love. You like this woman; she seems to like you too but she is the one who is pouring out all the compliments.
What this appears to be is a situation in which she has taken control of this relationship and she is now steering it whichever direction she pleases. So now I believe she has told you that she really likes you, that you are a really nice guy (not like all the other men out there) but that she likes you as a "friend". This implies that you should not raise your hopes up so high that you can get to be her boyfriend because, well, she likes you as a friend. What she is simply saying is that, for now, you are like a brother to her so you may want to tame your expectations a little.
Now, it is time you took control of this ship and steered it to your advantage. You see, not many women take men who appear to be emotionally weak seriously. You need to tell her that you like her and that you want her as yours. You should not seek her views on this but give her time to think about it. Also, you will need to find out if she only likes you as a friend. But perhaps would rather look for love elsewhere than confront her about this. I know I sound rude and condescending but this is the only way you will gain back control of this relationship. You have to take a hardline stand and she will then follow suit. You should be the one to define what friendship should exist between the two of you, not the other way round.
Lastly, I think you now find yourself in this situation because you may have appeared to be a really nice guy. In relationships, "nice guys" don't score much and you need to bring out another side of you. As she is thinking about this, bring it to her attention indirectly that you are also hitting on another girl - probably one that is hotter than her. This will bring her to her senses and she will top taking things for granted. I am sure the last thing you want is to be liked by her as a brother, right? Now put on your gloves and start working towards getting back on the driver's seat.
Simon Anyona is a relationships counsellor