Confessions: My self-pleasuring habit has left me lonely and unfulfilled

I am 40 years old. Nobody can guess I have not had sex all my adult life; I am educated, working and physically fit, but a bit reserved towards women. I started masturbating at the age of 16 and have never stopped. The problem is the depressing feeling I always get after the release. After three years of daily ‘practice’ whereby I had no desire for intercourse, I went to have real sex with one girl then another and that’s when I noticed the weakness: My erection would completely die just the moment I’d be about to penetrate. I got so disturbed that I stayed another three years before trying again. At 22, I had another go at it, only for me to have the same experience. Since then I’ve never had the confidence to have sex with any woman. Please help me.

Tom

What the readers say:

Tom, it’s good you know the root cause of your problem. This calls for spiritual and medical intervention. Speak to a spiritual leader you trust and they will walk with you to break this bondage. You need to also avoid the triggers to this habit and seek medical attention to address the problem. 

Kevin Moen 

Tom, you have trained your mind to always allow your failure whenever the ‘action between the sheets’ is on. I tend to think that masturbation brings about early release or premature ejaculation and low sperm count. See a counsellor who will further advise you on the way out. Remember that you haven’t failed until you stop trying. You must see yourself succeeding for you to build your self-esteem and ego.

Ouma Raguma-Sifuyo 

The best place to start is to get a counselling psychologist to help you get rid the habit. It is damaging your self-esteem. Thereafter, you can reach out to a sexologist who will guide you on how to reconcile with your past. I believe you can rejuvenate your life all over again for a new relationship.

Robert Ongeri

Dear Mr Tom, stop masturbating. It is against Bible teachings if you are a Christian. It is also affecting you emotionally. Talk to a sex therapist to advise you on the steps you can take. Also, speak to a family counsellor to lead you out of this practice. Seek medical advice because there could be more behind your condition. 

Onyango Outha

Boke says:

Dear Tom, 

This is how hard it is to overcome addiction. In the name of sexual liberation, many young people have and are engaging in activities without knowing the long term effect those habits could bring. Addictions along sexuality come with a heavier sense of guilt and shame compared to other forms of addiction. This is because sexual activities are not just about physical organs. It is about the spirit or soul, mind and body.

To begin with you should revisit your childhood and see where you lost your self-esteem. Tom, nothing fuels and fans an addiction more than a low self-image.

There is something magical that happens when an individual has a positive view of themselves. They begin to reject certain things and they are all of a sudden empowered to fight.

This is not a journey you can embark on alone. You need to marshal all the help and support at your disposal. All your support systems must be put to work. To start with, enlist the help from a professional counsellor. If you are spiritual, get the help of your spiritual leader too. Fight this from all angles.

As you do this, also work on your lifestyle, stay away from the triggers -- for example media content with nudity and pornography. Channel your energy into a new hobby, exercise more and if you have time, enroll for a short course and remember to make new friendships too. Above all, have faith in the whole process and that you can overcome this. I believe you can turn your life around in no time.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology 

Simon says: 

Tom, masturbation is generally common practice in the teenage phase of life as people discover their sexuality. Research has shown that it is common in both boys and girls and it is often a short term thing, lasting a few months to several years. It starts off as an innocent act of pleasure but it can quickly develop into a deep form of addiction and, worse still, the main form of sexual pleasure.

When masturbation becomes the main form of sexual pleasure then that is a red flag and one needs to clearly reflect on this and get a way up and out of this habit. Some mature adults (including married people) do it for various reasons which include normal sexual pleasure every once in a while, to release sexual tension and some small percentage of couples do it in each other’s presence.

Masturbation can become extremely addictive and just like any other addictive habit, it is hard to get out of it but it is possible. For you, it is now critical that you seek professional help towards starting the journey out of this habit. Some people get out of this by themselves but I recommend professional help for you because you are dealing with two problems; addiction to masturbation and that of adjusting your mind to wards having normal sexual intercourse. Being that you have done this over many years which is actually your entire sexually active life, it is going to be a long process but it is possible.

The counsellors will help you through tuning your mind towards having normal intercourse with a woman while you will have the task of unlearning all the masturbation acts and setting your mind to depend on a woman to give you the pleasure and satisfaction. You will, at some point, have to desist from the settings that lead you to this act of masturbation. These include avoiding sexually stimulating material and setting your mind to the normal forms of sexual acts. The easiest part in breaking out of any form of addiction is relapsing i.e. getting off the path of recovery and back into the old habit but, with dedication and commitment to the process, you will get through it. 

Simon Anyona is a relationships counsellor 

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