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Never tattoo his name on your butt, it will last the flames won’t


Of late, and I believe it our local female celebs who began this trend locally, I have seen expectant mothers do a photo shoot with their tummies popping out. (For the record, remember the celebs are getting paid by baby product companies). Anyway, nothing wrong with doing this, if your belly is round and smooth like a well burnished pot.

But if you are that wannabe ‘preggers’ woman with a tummy so distended one of our KCSE students looks at it and thinks he’s being asked to find ‘Pythangora’s angle’ from its distorted angular shape, spare us the pictures.

Other social media pictures no one wants to see is of your cheap engagement ring.

So you finally got that no good feller who is forever on the hustle to propose to you, and that’s your left middle finger sticking out in a picture with a synthetic silver and large diamond (made of pure glass) to tell all your pals he popped the big question? Wannabe, puleeze!

He may as well have gone and done tree graffiti of a love heart with both your names, with Cupid’s arrow piercing through, and you post it on Facebook. It is just as embarrassing. Actually, there is no winning with this one. If you post a pic with a super-expensive ring that costs the price of a good plot in Athi River, the envy and ‘dislike’ you’ll attract is simply not worth it.

And NEVER tattoo the name of a loved one on your body, unless it is a beloved child or dead parent.

Not your spouse, or partner, and especially new boyfriend/girlfriend, as some college students do.

Tattoos, unlike love, are forever.

Which girl wants to wake up cuddling on a chest with a ‘Tatianna’ tattoo, yet you broke up with ‘Tats’ in 1992 after you found out she really was tartish? Or it is time for bend over, and there is that tattoo, simply written ‘Tom,’ on your butt.

You think Dick will understand, or stand up for your stuttered explanation, that Tom was your bike riding boyfriend when you were bat crazy and only 17?

Then there is this wannabe ‘ride-or-die’ millennial concept to relationships that is, quite frankly, ridiculous. That every relationship is ‘us together unto the death’ type. If I’m cheating on you, maybe the message I’m sending is ‘nime-shoka, please dump my ass.’ If I go to jail, unless we have children, I don’t expect you to just chill till 2030 AD. when my 12 year sentence in Shimo La Tewa is done.

In similar vein, if you get into weird habits, like compulsive gambling or the snorting of crack cocaine, can I please ask the driver of the ‘Ride or Die’ bus to let me off at the next stop, or I really will jump? There’s this guy called *Norris who got a baby the other day and posts a pic of the infant with his parents that says ‘Happy Grandparents.’

A month later, a selfie where you just see faint female hands (he’s blocked the woman in the shot) holding the infant out, caption – Baby’s Day Out.

Not a single pic of him holding the child, or of its mother, in any post. People notice these things.

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