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Fake that confidence to get you going

Relationships
 Why can't I be as relaxed as everyone else around me? (Photo: Courtesy)

Hi Chris,

How do I get to be more confident? All my life I have felt nervous when meeting new people, when hanging out in a group, or when I have to speak at a meeting.

And do not get me started about dating! Why does everyone else seem so relaxed, and to be enjoying themselves when I always have the butterflies? Is there anything I can do to improve, or am I stuck like this forever?

So Lacking in Confidence

Chris says,

Hi So Lacking in Confidence!

The people around you probably feel far less comfortable than they seem, so do not be embarrassed about your lack of confidence. It probably started in childhood, because confident parents create confident children, by exposing them to more people and teaching them good social skills.

But if that did not happen to you, it can be difficult to get going. Because you need to practise to learn the skills you need - and you won’t want to do that.

Again, the way around all that is knowing that those happy looking people around you are not really confident either, they just look confident.

They have learned how to display that ‘confident body language!’ Standing, sitting and gesturing so that we all think they are completely at ease. Even though they are not. Start copying their ‘confident body language.’

Then everyone will like you, even if you never say a word to each other, and you will start a sort of positive feedback that will help you improve. In fact, if you do it long enough, you will actually become the person your body language is projecting!

Indeed, this is doable. To start with, your brain releases hormones that match your behaviour and gestures. So when you are smiling, for example, you produce ‘happy’ hormones.

A ‘happy face’ and ‘feeling happy’ one works just as well backwards as it does forwards. Not only that, when the people around you see you looking confident, they react well towards you. Because when you are smiling, people assume you are happy, no matter how you feel.

So act confident, stand tall and look people in the eye. Everyone will think you ARE confident because that is how confident people behave. All people see is your cool, calm exterior, and that is the way they react to you.

Their reactions will make you feel good. What is more, by learning to control your body language, you will become more aware of the signals you are sending out, and positively influence how people respond to you. So faking confidence will get you going.

People will start reacting well to you, and you will feel better about yourself. And before you know it, it will all become completely natural.

All the best,

Chris

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