Political bloggers have no use for brains

Nowadays, every joker with a cheap smartphone, a social media account and access to internet wants to be a political blogger. This is because political blogging, unlike other forms of blogging like fashion, entertainment, sports, health, food, environment and agriculture does not require brains.

All you need to do is to align yourself with a tribal political outfit associated with your mother tongue and pretend to conform to its nonexistent ideologies. Then you start worshipping the party leader, like a god. You become submissive like the wives of old. You call him Alpha and omega. You coin nicknames that make him appear larger than life. You defend him (it is always a he) with your blood, stupidity and bundles.

To effectively do this, you'll need to learn a few insults and there is no better school than social media or prime time TV news and public rallies where 'Honourables' denigrate and demonise other tribes.

Once you are armed to the teeth with the sharpest insults, the next thing you need to do is to suspend your brain. This is a very important step in political blogging. No one can make a good political blogger with his/her brains firmly intact. A good brain is a handicap in political blogging. They're like water and paraffin. They don't mix.

You cannot perform your duties to the required standards as a political blogger if you have a quality brain. You must replace it with something filthy and outdated. Because blogging goes with sycophancy and sycophancy has never impregnated intellect.

Thus, you must become a buffoon who sees nothing, hears nothing and does nothing except executing mediocre orders from your political benefactor - a job so engrossing it makes you ignore the conjugal rights of those you love.

Once you've parked your brain behind a nice city council toilet, develop some form of arrogance. This will come in handy in dismissing those who criticise your boss especially when their criticism is based on solid facts. You must storm that conversation with insults and threaten the participants with hell fire. This will throw the whole flock into confusion and the hitherto sober debate that was flourishing before your grand arrival will turn chaotic and degenerate into a theatre of insults.

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By the time you sink to this level, you will be rated as a top political blogger. You will have an army of followers on social media and become a celebrity without bothering to change your accent, pretend to be rich or acquiring a fake behind.