Confessions: How long should I wait for a man to show interest in marriage?

Until a few years ago, I used to date for fun. But then I began to feel it was time for me to settle down and start a family so I started dating more seriously. But that’s turning out more difficult than I expected. Suddenly, I understand all those girls who moan about men who won’t take them seriously because I’ve dated several great guys who won’t commit! We get along happily enough, but I never got the feeling that any of them was even remotely thinking of marrying me. So how long should I wait for a man to show interest in marriage? Or am I just wasting my time?

Sharon

What readers say

If marriage is truly what you’re looking for, it’s time for a frank conversation with your boyfriend. Sit him down and bring up the marriage issue. More importantly, do not issue an ultimatum. Do not make it “marry me or else.” Instead, bring it up as a non-negotiable for you.

Make him understand that its marriage you want and that’s why you need to talk about it. Ask him if it’s something he wants and if he doesn’t feel the same, then it would be best for you to end your relationship and move on. It might seem like an ultimatum, but it’s not.

You’re simply letting him know that this matters enough to you to end the relationship. An ultimatum puts the power with him, he can keep you dangling by making empty promises. With this, you instead keep the power.

He can tell you he doesn’t want marriage and you can choose to walk away. He can make promises to you, but you can decide at what point you stop believing in those promises if he doesn’t follow through.

- Fred Jausenge

It should not be coming to you as a surprise that the ‘great’ men you date and would wish to get serious with are not for that. Men, just like women, will date for different reasons. There are a few who will be dating to get life-long partners.

A good number will be dating because they are after entertainment, while another proportion will date because the opportunity has presented itself. To most men, a date is an end in itself and so you may be surprising them that you want something beyond that.

Similarly, let it not escape you that even those who date for life-long partnership, there is caution and mistrust with which they approach it at first and, until they are sure, you will just be one of the passengers, especially when you are ‘readily’ available.

My take is as follows: First, follow the philosophy of Ramatoulaye’s mum (these are characters in ‘So Long a Letter’ by Miriam Aba). She said, at worst, a lady should go for the man who loves her for this one will worship her shadow but if a lady goes for a man she loves, it will be her to worship the shadow of this man and men have many shadows, the correct one may be elusive.

Look around and you will spot the right smile: follow it. Secondly, play hard to get and when you are finally ‘found’ look for the right signals and from the word go, let your message be clear; it will save you numerous heartaches from rejection (albeit too late).

Finally, stand in front of your conscience and look at your reflection; if you are sure you have done well then the formulae above should work. However, if your past has been ‘deep’, correct it.

- Tasma Saka

What Hilda says

Dear Sharon,

I am glad the experiences are not the same. When you were just passing time and having fun, it was easy to fall in and out of love.

You see, your view has changed. You now look at every relationship you get into with a long term perspective knowing it has far reaching effects on your life. If things were the same then you ought to be worried. Clearly, you now have the understanding marriage is serious business. 

Take your time. Do not be in a hurry and do not allow anyone or anything to rush you. Remember you are the one who will live with the consequences of your choices. You are better off delayed than rushing only to end up with the wrong person. 

I encourage you to have a clear idea of the kind of a person you would like to be with. Have a list of your non-negotiable qualities and stick to it. That is not pride but rather setting standards for yourself that will also act as a guide for you. 

You could also increase your circle of interaction and association because it is possible you could have interacted with many of your friends in your former state. Enlarge you circle by joining a new club or association of like-minded people so as to meet and make new friends. Better still, enroll in a class to advance your education or even learn a new skill. Whichever way it ends, you will still benefit.

Take this time to enjoy your freedom and space because being single is not entirely gloom. Remember destinations you have desired to visit.

Use this time to achieve some of your goals, be they spiritual, financial and others. In other words, let not your life come to a standstill just because you are waiting for a life partner. 

- Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology