Supporting your partner through sexual trauma

Many people live with the invisible wound of sexual trauma. Consultant psychologist James Bosse says sexual trauma can be caused by sexual violation, coercion into sexual activity, rape (including marital rape), harassment, repeated boundary violations, and a fearful and shameful upbringing or past experiences relating to sexuality. Like any wound, he believes that healing is possible.

He says that one of the most painful consequences of sexual trauma is shame, which can affect self-esteem and intimacy. A person who has experienced trauma may feel dirty and blame themselves for it. They may also feel undeserving of love and, when they find someone who loves them, believe that it is too good to be true or fear that it will be withdrawn.

Acts of love and care can cause anxiety for someone with a history of sexual trauma. This is one of the reasons James finds it difficult to support survivors of sexual trauma.

“Ask what support looks like to them and give them a shoulder to lean on. You don’t need to offer advice to them; just by listening and acknowledging their feelings. Then avoid using what they say against them,” he says.

And as you support them, the majority of the time, you need to find out the tendencies in the current sexual trauma scenarios. In addition, researching the trauma will help you understand your partner. Due to shame, partners are encouraged to learn what their partners imply and listen to the words unsaid.

Conversations around trauma and intimacy also need to be gentle, and he suggests having them before a long-term commitment. However, when they arise within a relationship, lovers should show compassion.

James explains that creating a safe home is about practising consent in simple acts, like asking before holding hands or sustained eye contact, which builds trust. You can also appreciate these small wins when they overcome this scenario.

“Healing is not linear; therefore, it calls for patience. There are other ways to show affection in places that they are comfortable at, like caressing and massaging,” he says.