Confessions: My wife left saying she needs space to heal then blocked me

I have a problem with my wife after being in a relationship since 2014.

Last December, she told me she needs space to heal the wounds in her heart. While I’d travelled upcountry, she left with our two-year-old son and everything from the house, leaving it vacant.

She’d been consistently grumbling over our relationship claiming that I disrespect her. I suspect it’s because, when we got married, I had a one-year-old child who was left in my custody by a different woman. My wife took care of him like her own son.

Now she has left and has blacklisted me and all my close relatives, parents and siblings. I can’t reach her. Please help me. I love her.

Nikko

What readers say

I am sure that, deep within yourself, you know the truth in the accusation. If you are honest that she was taking care of this child from your other affair like her own then chances are that you own the red card.

The lady had the opportunity of exhausting reconciliation avenues with your relatives, all of whom are blacklisted now, meaning the windows are closed with the door locked on you.

The available opportunity now are her friends, who I trust you know. If you are trustworthy, I am sure any of her closest friends will be willing to help. You could also try from her church. Ladies will always be willing to listen to their churches, pastors and priests.

However, if you realise none of them is ready to extend you the rope then it’s possible your goose is cooked. As you try these, work on your past for a ‘forward ever’ so that wherever you end up, with whoever, your shadow does not come to haunt you again. - Tasma Saka

Nikko, it seems your wife sensed some disrespect that you are not telling us about. Perhaps you have been ignoring her needs or taking her for granted even as she took care of your child as her own.

Have you been doing your duty of providing for the family? Have you been playing your role as an equal parent? Perhaps you have taken your attention away from the family and have let her to parent alone.

For now, she has left you alone and you have not mentioned if she left your child behind. Perhaps just try to move on and become a better parent to your child. Correct the mistakes you made.

Only you know what you did. When your wife hears about the change, she might come back. - Sally Towett  

What Hilda says

Dear Nikko,

If your wife can pack and leave after consistently complaining and you are still not sure of the reason why, that is a sign you are insensitive. When she says that she is being disrespected you need to understand what that means.

When a woman says that she’s being disrespected it is an array of things ranging from being taken for granted, to emotional, psychological and physical abuse. It could also include subtle manipulation or intimidation. 

In this case your child with the other woman is not an issue here seeing that she treated the child as hers. Though you want to sound as the victim, I strongly believe that you have contributed in getting the situation to where it is.

But for as long as you do not see your part then nothing will change. Take your time to do a self-assessment of yourself as a partner in this relationship. Start from asking yourself if you would be okay to be treated the way you have been treating your wife.

You also need to understand that we are all different and we react to situations differently. We have the aggressive people who are upfront about their grievances and they always make their position on a matter known. Then we have the quiet type who will express their dissatisfaction as a suggestion. These kind can be easily taken advantage of because they are not forceful. However, they are very decisive when they have had enough. 

Your wife could have raised her concerns to you but you did nothing to correct them. For now, you have to give her time to ease her pain. How long this will take, we cannot tell. If she gets better along the way I believe you will get to know. If she decides not to get back to you, then that is how it is. Carry your lessons with you. 

- Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology