I've found joy in raising 15 kids on my own

The month of love, commonly celebrates couples but it should also honor men and women who find the courage to love after being hurt. Abandoned by her mother as an infant neglected by the father Tracey Kadada took all the hurt and bitterness and did something good. She adopted not of one or two but 13 children.

Closure, has helped Tracey smile even laugh as she narrates the genesis of her scar: "I was deserted by my mother at only three months and my dad did not like me. He took me to boarding school at only 7 years not because he could not bring me up but because he wanted to have a nice time with his girlfriends."

At Mount Saint Mary's primary school Tracey met a nun who tried to shower her with affection going to the extent of buying her snacks during visiting day, "although I was grateful to her, I did not want that nun. Love can only be appreciated by someone who has love, so no matter how much someone loved me, bringing me gifts even gold, because I did not have love, I could not value it."

Though Tracey excelled in school, she still craved the attention that her parents did not give her and compensated by bullying the other children, "I was aggressive, seeking attention from everyone. If somebody did not give it, they would be dire consequences. Those were the fruits of bitterness."

Like any good student, she worked hard in school not to be a doctor or lawyer but to revenge, "my dream was to make money so I could buy a gun and shoot both my parents." Her aunty took her for counseling but to no avail, "I could not accept that I had a problem."

Tracey carried this burden into adolescence, where she met a boy and fell in love. "I got pregnant and I decided to drop out of school and look after my child. I went to live with him so he could support us then very quickly I got pregnant again. Soon after, stories started emerging of other women. He was a serial philanderer. This only amplified the bitterness, because the first person I gave all my heart, trampled on it. So jobless with two children I went to live alone in Kibera," she says.

To make ends meet Tracy coached baseball. "I learnt the game and begun working as a coach for a Japanese man trying to introduce baseball to Kenya. A free meal was given at practice session to encourage children to participate, as a result, many street children would attend, just to get a bit to eat," she narrates.

Tracey had close interactions and got to know intimate details about their lives, "as a coach I believe in being a friend, creating a bond, so I understand the person I am training. During one of these sessions, I discovered that one of the children, only 7 years old, was sodomised by bigger boys while sleeping in the streets. After he was checked, I realized I could not just send him back to the streets."

So Tracey adopted him. Then it dawned on her the difference that she could make, creating a home for these children, therefore, she took in a few more children she was coaching. "Because of my background, I had vowed never to see a child abandoned – lacking love- and refuse to help."

Tracy continued taking in more children, some street children others their parents relinquished because they were unable to look after them, now she has 15 a number she feels capable to look after, "my last born was dumped near my gate. She was only three months, had pneumonia and was not given much time to live, I took her to hospital and nursed her back to life. Now she is five years old."

Every child who lives with Tracy shares one emotion – self-pity, "I tell the kids not to tell me about their past, everyone has a past. I tell them, life starts now and they should only talk about their future."

To provide for all these children Tracey has had to do various odd jobs including working as a maid on many occasions, "people think maids were brought up in the wild so they deserve to be treated like a savage. This really played on my self-esteem, and I fought with many employers and consequently lost many jobs. Then they were men claiming to love me and willing to help me but if only I slept with them. I became even more bitter wondering why they couldn't just help.

All the anger and bitterness was killing me, so having nowhere to turn, I turned to God. I started reading the Bible and was struck by the verse vengeance belongs to me. So when working if someone belittled me I would remember those words."

Slowly by slowly the bitterness left. But the real test came when she was invited to go home, by her father, after more several years of living alone, "I never went back. Every time my dad would invite me, I would ask him, dismissively, if he's only just realized the importance of my presence. But on that particular day my dad called and I spoke to him politely, even went home cooked and cleaned. He was very shocked. God is the only one who removed the bitterness nevertheless, I also had to make an effort to stop fighting with people."

The bitterness subsided to the point she was able to look after her dying mother, "My mother sent for me the last weeks of her life, because everyone had run away apart from my step dad who had spent all his money. So I used my savings to help her until she died. I did that because she is my mother, even though she abandoned me, she will answer to God, but I knew I had to do my part," Tracey says.

The most striking thing about Tracey's home is the relationship she has created with all the children, "I was not loved therefore I wanted to give all these children everything I never had. I told them this is not a children's home it's a family; so they could feel proud, in public, because they have a home to come back to. Also, I did not want them to feel they were only living with me because of their situation, that's why I created that mentality."

And like any family they also have traditions, "although I do not have an oven, we use a jiko and sand to bake and that has really united us, because there is one who will light the jiko, another to mix even one watching from the sideline waiting to eat. But it's still teamwork. Like that, I have gotten to know all these children, I can immediately detect when someone is having a bad day, even if I am summoned to their school I will know whether what they are accused of is true or false because I have taken time to know them. So if you sacrifice yourself get to know your kids then you will have a bond. "

Although Tracy does not have a husband to help her bring up all 15 kids, she marshals the help of particular friends to help. But she also hopes to get married one day, "I do not want to rush I want to get to know the person very well. If you have a child never hide them from the man you are seriously dating, because children are a blessing and the man will love you because you have told him the truth. That's what I normally do I tell them I have 15 kids, so if they accept me with my 15 kids then I accept him but if he does not then I allow him to leave because these kids are my family."