I feel like an object for my porn addicted hubby

Dear Eve,

I’ve been married for eight years to a loving, caring and hardworking man who has a big problem with pornography. This has really affected our sex life because he is fixated on pornographic material. There's no more romance in our marriage and he relies on these things to get aroused. Things are so bad that he doesn't even hide it anymore and he has tried pulling me in but I am not into that. I feel used every time we have sex because he does not care about my feelings or needs as a woman. I am confused about how to handle this and several attempts for him to get counselling have failed. I don’t know what to do. I am thinking of divorce because I cannot live with a pervert but also he is a good man when he is not indulged in those things. Please help me.

{Lucy}

Boke says:

Addiction to pornography has the same underlying principle as other forms of addictions such as drugs and other substances. The effects too are equally devastating but unlike other forms of addiction, pornography is discrete and readily available.

Your husband seems to be addicted to this and thus he has been desensitized by the constant exposure because porn offers sex without intimacy. It is this false satisfaction that could be the reason why he seems disinterested in intimacy.

Unfortunately, until he sees the effect that this particular habit has on your relationship, and acknowledge his need for help, nothing would change. Although pornography thrives in secrecy your husband is no longer discrete about it. This could make it easy for you to initiate conversations on this. It may not bear fruits in the initial attempts but don't give up on him yet until both of you are on the same page on this matter.

You've said you have sought counselling before, do it again. I would suggest you attend and go through the sessions together because this is not just his problem but your problem.  be an encouragement to him and it also gives you an opportunity to hold him accountable.Take those baby steps. Not all the steps would be progressive but do not give up. Be determined to win this together.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology and loves to share her knowledge in matters of love and marriage