Girl code: I don’t make dramatic announcements

Fellow ladies, how did you break the news of your pregnancy to your baby’s father? Recently, a friend told me that such news is well prepared and presented to the people responsible. You don’t just walk in on them and say, 'Honey I am pregnant!'

Apparently, some of them don’t take that lightly. I am meant to understand it sounds rude. If that’s how it is, then I must have been the rudest 'baby mama' during my time. I just sent him a text, 'I am pregnant.' You know, sometimes I look back and wonder if that could have contributed to him putting on his speed shoes and taking off faster than a cheetah.

Anyway, like I was asking, Men, does it really matter how such news is broken to you? I need to understand this, when you get down with your partner with an intent to have a child, what else do you expect out of it? A 36-seat air conditioned bus?

So I don’t understand how, as a woman, I am expected to make the announcement less abrupt! It’s like I am expected to hire traditional dancers and a DJ to do a performance before I tell you that we are expecting a baby. I know, I know, some of these announcements should be celebrated but some men don’t even deserve the celebration. They will just look at you and say, ‘Okay,’ then get back to what they were doing.

We must be watching too many movies. I will tell you for free. Some of these men, especially from this side of the earth, don’t feel the need for dramatic announcements.

I once waited for my man to get back home to a candle lit dinner. The candles were scented and I had prepared his favourite meal and even included red sweet wine. I sat there waiting in sexy lingerie and soft music in the background. The moment I heard his car come to a halt outside, I knew it was time to put on my best smile as I switched off the lights in the room for the ambience and for the candles to stand out.

The moment he walked in, he switched the lights back on, shoved the day’s newspaper on the table and started adjusting his neck tie as he told me to turn off the music and switch on the television because he wanted to catch up on the day’s news! He then blew out the candles saying, “Baby you should stop playing with fire. What if the seats caught fire?” He did not even realise I had my sexy lingerie on.

Or maybe he did. All I remember is him walking past me into the bedroom and coming back with my sweater telling me to to put it on as it was freezing outside. He served his food from the table I had spent so much time setting and went on to eat from the couch! To make matters worse, he told me to put his wine back in the store as it was meant for special occasions. To date, I am still here trying to figure out what kind of special occasion he meant.

From then on, I swore never to try and appease these men. There’s something in them that just doesn’t click no matter what. And that is why I informed my baby’s father about my pregnancy through a text. I wasn’t so wrong after all -- he walked out on me leaving me with nothing but memories. As much as I felt the pain, I am sure it couldn’t have been compared to the pain I would have felt had I made the announcement an event. Like probably having some baby shaped helium balloons floating in the bedroom and a note under his pillow scribbled, “I can’t wait to meet you, Dad”.

I learnt my lesson well. I never involve my man in any kind of dramatic announcements. In fact, whoever will marry me, do not even try to propose to me in public. Please wire my bride price to my parents’ bank account. The same way we will make babies in silence is the same way they will arrive in silence. I am, however, open to those parties you all call, ‘gender reveal’ because I love food!

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