Men only: Seven commandments of the Bro Code

Sometimes, especially in these days of so-called social media – which can be very unsocial – wars are fought by proxies.

Take the recent latest round of sparring between two TV anchors/personalities called Dennis and Betty. You already know the murky story.

The two were once married, but there were allegations of adultery on both sides. That the man had older women, that the woman got a governor who even got her a Porsche (then ruthlessly re-possessed it on Mombasa road when their affair hit the road, pardon the pun).

To bring you more up to speed (darn, pun again!), the man remarried and the lady now has a ‘Cushite’ boyfriend.

But there is a four-year-old daughter the two got, who last year, very sadly ended up in hospital, with bills running to the tune of six or seven or nine million. Thank God she pulled through. You’d think that miracle would make all past ills (oh, pun!) petty, but not for Dennis and Betty.

She did a post about the experience, and out came another scribe called Ken with a pesky post about her Crimes of Omission (namely, not mentioning Dennis’ role in helping pay bills of the sick toi).

Clearly, bitter tea is still brewing in the aftermath of that nasty and public divorce, involving the two, current partners, sisters and BFF boys. It’s my belief that when relationships are over, especially with remarriages, the next time you should re-engage is ‘mchango’ for funeral of whoever God calls home earlier, not dragging 2012 issues into 2020 and beyond.

But my issue today is how FAR out should your boy (pal, not son) stick out their neck for you, in the name of the mythical BOY CODE? Was Ken wise or mijinga for going after Betty, on behalf of his BFF, Dennis?

1. Thou shalt provide rescue services to your buddy

This is the first rule. You cannot ‘ghost’ your guy, or not return his calls. If he calls you to ‘Kitesh’ (Kitengela) on a rainy Sunday night and says he’s stuck with the bar bill, it is your business to drive or get there, and rescue him. You are like Chase in ‘Paw Patrol.’

2. Provide alibis and cover ups

Especially if you get one of those pre-dawn phone calls from an irate wife/girlfriend (his), asking where the hell Cliff is? – and for all you know, he could be in a motel in Moshi.

‘He’s okay, but passed out in the guest room. Lemme see if I can wake him up, madam!’ Then hang up. And call Cliff, and tell him: ‘Kijana, kumenuka!’

 3. Be prepared to provide quality time and company

Whether it is a Boys’ Night out on a Friday, or football on Saturday, or beer and nyama on Sunday.

4.  Be prepared to lend a hand to a brother, especially in January.

It doesn’t matter if he ‘ate’ rent, school fees and Sacco in December, crowing over whiskey ‘kufa dereva, kufa makanga’ as he chewed the cash. Take out a logbook mini-loan, especially if you ‘ate’ together.

5. Show up for the important events in his life

Like those tedious dowry negotiations.

Take on that Council of Nchuri Ncheke (who never cheka) and if he is down, help him drown sorrows.

Never backbite your Boy to others. It makes you look bad.

6. Never, ever, forever, hit on his woman

You don’t even think about hitting on her! She is his sacred space, and you should respect her like a holy cathedral.

Many relationships have been ruined because of this violation of boundaries.

A chap who meets your woman, and says ‘wow, does she have a sister?’ is a fisi you cannot trust.

7. Boys hit back for their boys, however ill-advised this is in the Code.

When you’re young, if in a bar, you brawl for your boy.

When you are old and well-known, you take to social media streets – and whine about how your Boy was not recognised in ‘mchango.’

[email protected]