What you should know if you have ever been ghosted

Have you ever been ghosted? Like your partner just goes mute on you, does not pick calls, does not respond to your WhatsApp messages or your texts for days? Then the days turn into weeks, the weeks into months…and you’re left wondering what you did wrong to to deserve all this. The truth is, you have been ghosted, and it is never your fault (at least 99.9 per cent of the time).

Ghosting didn’t start yesterday. It has existed since the dawn of time but our media-driven generation finally named it something as spooky as it feels. While it was initially reserved for people you went on one or two dates with, it has now spread its wrath to more serious committed relationships, where, if your partner is "over it," they will just disappear without a trace with no heads up or follow up explanation.

Fear of confrontation

Blame it on a fear of confrontation, disappearing on people and awkwardly avoiding seems easier than having to explain to your soon-to-be ex that you don’t want to see them anymore. But what happens when you’re the one who gets ghosted?

To me, ghosting feels like a generational inability to communicate and a fear of settling down. Newer technology has given us a "grass is always" greener on the other side mentality. With all these social media platforms, we have so many options to choose from. I get bored with you, boom! I find someone else who seems more interesting than you are and I move on without warning.

According to psychologists, people who ghost are primarily focused on avoiding their own emotional discomfort and they aren’t thinking about how it makes the other person feel. The lack of mutual social connections for people who meet online also means there are fewer social consequences of dropping out of another’s life. The more it happens, either to themselves or their friends, the more people become immune to it, and the more likely they are to do it to someone else.

Many people are left feeling disrespected, used and even disposable when they are ghosted. The trauma increases exponentially when you’ve been together for a while and you thought things were going great. When someone we love and trust disengages from us it feels like a very deep betrayal.

What next?

You call, text and even get blueticked on WhatsApp but then you don’t hear anything from them. Should you be worried? What if they are hurt and lying in a hospital bed somewhere? Should you be upset? Maybe they are just a little busy and will be calling you back when they can. You don’t know how to react because you don’t really know what has happened.

Human beings are social creatures. This means that we need to have some form of human contact even if it’s just a text. This is why ghosting can have such an adverse effect on us.

Ghosting is the ultimate use of the silent treatment, a tactic that has often been viewed by mental health professionals as a form of emotional cruelty. It essentially renders you powerless and leaves you with no opportunity to ask questions or be provided with information that would help you emotionally process the breakup. It silences you and prevents you from expressing your emotions and being heard. More often than not, the end result is low self-esteem.

All said and done, the important thing to remember is that when someone ghosts you, it says nothing about you or your worth. It has everything about the person doing the ghosting. It shows he or she doesn’t have the courage to deal with the discomfort of their emotions or yours, and they either don't understand the impact of their behaviour or worse, they just don’t care. In any case, they have sent you an extremely loud message that says: I don’t have what it takes to have a mature healthy relationship with you. Be the better person, retain your dignity, and let him or her go peacefully.