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How to handle a blessed Mr Sir

Between The Sheets By Lutfiya Wanjiru

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Wueh! Ni kubaya

Sometimes I think that when the good Lord was making humans, he would put a little too much into one person and that person roams this world being all extra because they are carrying EXTRA. Get what I mean? Some men are just abundantly blessed down south and if you’ve never experienced such a magnitude of length and width you may be absolutely terrified. But fear not oh un-experienced lady, you are built to handle him. You are built to push out a watermelon-sized tiny human, what will 10 inches really do to you? (*insert nervous laugh*)

1. Relax....RELAX

I know it may seem like an impossible anomaly but you need to relax. From your angle, you may think that Mr Sir will split you in half, it will feel like it unless you relax your muscles. Go to your happy place for a few minutes and ease the tension. Moreover, if Mr Sir is equipped in tension buster techniques, he’d apply them to you and ensure you aren’t rigid as a steel pipe.

2. Make sure you are the Indian Ocean

This goes without saying that if you aren’t fully aroused and properly lubricated, Mr Sir exploring you will hurt like HELL. The friction will feel like a thousand fire ants going at you. It stings! So, make sure that you are the Indian Ocean and not the Sahara Desert. Foreplay is your friend here and if done properly, well, it will be smooth sailing from then on.

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3. Take this slow

There’s no hurry here, there’s no need for speed or force. Ask Mr Sir to ease into it, until you’re comfortable. He needs to tame his caveman tendencies. You are human and not a doll, after all. Too much force can actually cause damage and the pain that accompanies it is catastrophic. Mr Sir, please, usipite na mtoto wa mtu kama trailer imepoteza brakes. She’d like to walk out of your house, thank you very much.

4. Movement

Move like a carousel, smooth, subtle and not like a bouncing castle. Once we get accommodated to the mammoth size, women tend to lie to themselves that they are now ready to pull out techniques. My friend you will die! Picture this, you are used to driving a saloon car and then you get the opportunity to drive an off-road 4x4, you just don’t step on the accelerator, you will find yourself wrapped around a tree. Please behave before you end up needing surgery to re-organize your organs.

5. Post care

You have survived Mount Everest, congratulations. You might need medical aid but first get yourself to the bathroom and pee. Empty your bladder sis. For the love of all that is holy, collect the little sense, dignity and strength you have left and drag yourself to the bathroom. Because if you don’t, the UTI  that is coming your way is filling up on petrol. My sister you will suffer, help yourself please. Ask Mr Sir to give you some painkillers cause we all know the real pain is experienced the next day.

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There you have it, you are ready to ultimately risk your life. But it’s for a good cause. Remember this, the penguin walk in the morning isn’t anything, try using the bathroom then tell me...

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