Bad boy: Why it pays to be petty in marriage

You always used to hate pettiness. Especially the garden variety that Caroline specialises in. Like the hell she has put you through the last one month.

It is not like you don’t have your petty moments. Typically, you don’t eat at home whenever Caroline decides to be dramatic like she is auditioning for a Hollywood movie role. You know it hurts her when you don’t eat at home, but at some point, she stopped caring. Then you started coming home late and insisting that the patriarchy has to be served hot food, not warmed inside a microwave. Caroline told you to take that idea, apply some grease on it and shove it where it fits.

Not in exact words but she did it twice then discovered you were unleashing your petty card. So she delegated the duty to the house help. And being the gentleman, you are, you do it yourself. Problem solved.

The problem with pettiness is that women want to own it, which is unfair. Even so, for a man, you are only petty for a few days before you decide to be mature about it. But women can really stretch it to unimaginable limits.

Like Caroline. She likes changing the subject when she discovers that you are right. And if you insist, she will fish something from mid-2016 when you were dating. It is true, the wife is always right. No married man has ever received an admission of guilt from his wife. They are always right. Nothing boils your blood faster.

Then, there is the silent treatment which is the most lethal weapon she uses. Lately, you have tried to ignore it, but it bugs your brain. It is the worst mind game she plays, because she knows it gets into your skin. Never mind the toxicity.

Now, you are tired of being the grownup in the marriage. It is tit-for-tat. Lately, you also tune her out in conversations. You pretend to be listening, but you stop as soon as possible and it drives her nuts. Recently, you read somewhere that the best way to get a woman’s attention is by ignoring her. It actually works.

And since she hates your jokes and dark humour, when she is angry, it is when you tune up your sarcastic tongue. Another trick is heightening her sense of worry... you know, telling stuff like, let’s talk, and then telling her absolutely nothing. She hates that.

The beauty of pettiness goes to show that you still care about each other. That her annoyance gets to you, drives you nuts is a good thing. That you get under her skin, but she still sleeps with you is a good sign. That you still meet in the same house, sometimes despite the terrible differences, goes to confirm the commitment you both have for your union.

Because, if one day either of you stopped caring, and the pettiness stopped bothering you, it would be disastrous. Because that is how marriages end.

@nyanchwani

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