He is always staring at other women whenever we are together, please advice

I am 28 and I have been married for about three years. I love my husband and he loves me too but we often fight because of one problem. Whenever we are together, I always catch him looking and sometimes staring at other women.

This really angers me and I just cannot stand it. I love him and want him to have eyes only for me but he just keeps looking at other women. I don’t look at other men so I keep wondering why he does this all the time. I don’t know what to do about this, please advise me.

{Whitney}

What the readers say:

Whitney, my advice to you is that you should stop worrying and fighting your husband because you can’t stop a man from staring at a beautiful girl and you can’t be with him all the time. The secret is, treat your man like a king, submit and satisfy him. He’ll never think about other women. Fighting him only makes it worse and men hate insecure women.

{Victoria Wanjiku}

This is a thing that both men and women do i.e. stare at other women. Try and understand why he is doing this and if it is because of dressing, makeup or anything within your means to acquire, then go for the same. It might just help him stop looking amorously at other women.

{Ouma Ragumo}

That’s the default nature of most men and they will even look at other women when they are at the altar. Talk to him about your fears and encourage him to share with you honestly what he finds attractive and let him know it’s your undying love for him that is making you so jealous.

{Tasma Saka}

What’s the big deal if your husband looks at other women? Provided he does not seduce them. If you prevent a child from stealing and eating sugar, the more attractive the sugar will be. You may also let him know that this really hurts you and that he should do it only when you are not with him.

{Onyango Outha}

This is a habit that develops from their teenage years when their hormones are working in overdrive. Sometimes they don’t even realise they are doing it. But because it is just a habit, it is also possible for him to stop... as long as he wants to stop. The key is to help him recognise when he is doing it and help him develop strategies to change his behaviour.

{Fred Jausenge}

Simon says:

Whitney, this is not as big a problem as you may think. You see women are beautiful and this beauty naturally fascinates men. In staring at those women, he is just being a man like every other man but he is careless. There is nothing wrong with a man looking at a woman, it is a natural reaction but it should be done within certain confines and logically far away from the radar of your woman. You are justified to get upset just like every woman gets upset with some even getting physical with their men over this but when you accept that this is natural male behaviour, you will be better-placed to deal with it.

So, what is it with men and their ever drifting eyes? Well, this is a natural reflex to the fascinating beauty that is out there. When it happens and a woman picks this up, the reactions can be rather punishing and may include a disapproving stare, slap, a cold shoulder, denial of conjugal privileges and for others, a cold night in the other room. However, it is just what it is; a natural reaction whose images last just a few moments then they get back to their normal senses.

Nonetheless, it is the perceptions that women have about the staring that escalates emotions. Some of these thoughts include that he finds her more attractive, he is comparing her with the other woman, he wishes he was with her or that he is probably undressing her, among other things. Well, some of these are true but this is primarily harmless thinking and even in doing this, they have utmost love and respect for their women and would never wish to get caught doing this. When caught though, they have to temporarily encounter the wrath of a scorned woman.

Lastly, it is by this very look that he spotted you and actually went ahead to make you his fiancé. Can you try and imagine a world where men stop appreciating the fascinating beauty of God’s most amazing creation? With all the efforts that women put to get their make-up right, to fix their hair and do their nails just to look pretty? This would most certainly not be in order. Men ought to appreciate God’s beauty but without the slightest knowledge of their women – preferably when they are out of their line of sight.

Simon is a relationships counsellor

Boke says:

Dear Whitney,

There is the common phrase that men are visual beings, and so they like to look. Well, no dispute about that, but there is a big difference between throwing glances and outright staring or what would be termed as ogling.

Glancing is just that. It does not involve any emotions and no changes in facial expressions are seen. Glancing could be compared to someone looking at a menu. It does not mean they would love to have all the meals on the menu. I say this because you have not indicated that his staring at other women has affected his fidelity.

On the other hand, this habit is annoying and it is an open display of disrespect to the female, you in this case. We do not know if you have brought this to his attention. If not, then candidly raise the matter with him. Let him know how it makes you feel. Be specific and detailed. Do not just say you felt bad. Bad is too general. Talk of the  frustration, the disrespect or the anger his action makes  you feel. How you put this across to him is important. No need to sound combative and accusative because the response to this is always a defensive one yet you want him to be receptive to your concerns.

In a loving relationship like yours, the individuals are keen and sensitive to the feelings of their loved ones. Your husband, I believe, is no exception. Staring is a habit and he can unlearn it. If this issue is well presented, you could end up with an agreeable working formula to help him out of this.

You also need to rule out any form of insecurities that you could be harbouring consciously or unconsciously. Have no doubt about you being attractive and lovable. That is why he is with you and not anyone else.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology