Confessions: He used to beat me and now he wants me back

I broke up with my boyfriend two years ago and now he wants me back. At the time of breaking up, we had dated for four years and it was rough, mostly because of the extent of physical abuse I underwent. I always made excuses for him and kept hoping that he would change but for those years we were together, nothing changed.

Sex was out of question because I believe in virginity and that was a big challenge to him. I am 22 now and since the break-up, I have been very choosy when it comes to men that means am still single. Should I give it another chance? Please help.

{Ayan}

Simon says

Ayan, the most irresistible thing for any man is an ex-girlfriend who did not give in to his sexual desires. They haunt, torment and follow us through our lives and there is always a temptation to give it one last try. This is most probably why he is back begging for you to get back in his life. There may be a possibility that he could be genuinely interested but this may only be a slight possibility.

From your description of the four-year relationship, it seems there were very few good things to say about it if any. When physical violence becomes a dispute resolution or method of expression in a relationship, it ceases to be a relationship. More so if the physical abuse was because you refused to give into his sexual demands. According to him, violence is an acceptable method of expressing himself and this is likely to continue in his current and future relationships. 

Well, it is fine for him to want you back but I would ask you what is likely to have changed between the time you broke up and now. Most probably, nothing has changed so as you consider getting back with him. also bear in mind that you may have to, all over again, endure the same things you went through in your relationship. However, I will also point out that this time it is likely to get worse therefore brace yourself for anything that comes your way. 

Lastly, I think you are too young to even be considering a serious relationship with an abusive man; these are the kind of things that set you up for life. At present, you have a chance and can easily walk away from this but it will not be the case when you start bearing him children - you will be tethered to him for life. Regardless of how bad the situation will get, it will always be difficult for you to leave. Leave and run now while you can. You have in your hands a chance to quit while you are still ahead. This will be quickly taken away when you give into his request and desires then you will not have the luxury of choice. 

Simon Anyona is a relationships counsellor

Boke says:

Looking at your age now, you seem to have been in this relationship way too early. At 16, you were a child as far as relationships are concerned. That was not a wise decision and it that could have affected your studies. Especially when you say that he use to physically abuse you.

There’s nothing wrong in being choosy and nothing wrong in being single at 22. However, there’s is everything wrong in going back to dating this very man! Stories of domestic violence give enough chills to anyone. To you, they are not just stories. You have experienced this. Is this the kind of relationship and environment you would want to raise your children in? An environment that could make them abusers or victims of abuse. And the cycle continues.

An abuser needs help and not another relationship. You need to see him for who he is. An abuser. He may appear so charming and loving to the public and at the onset of the relationship but the ugly self will soon show up. Please note, an abuser has deep seated psychological problems and has very little to do with anger or stress as many may want to excuse the behaviour.

For the two years he was away, it is possible he tried dating other girls but they were wise enough not to condone the behaviour. Unless they get professional help, abusers do not change. The abuse only gets worse.

For the abuse to persist in a relationship, normally the so-called victims encourage it by keeping silent and giving excuses for the abuser. They victims become the enablers. Accepting him back into your life makes you just that.

The best way to help him is to encourage him to get help. Otherwise, run for your life. Please do not add to the sad statistics of domestic violence. 

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology

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